How to Heal the Trauma that Keeps You From Love with Alex Howard [EP172]
Dec 1, 2023
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Explore the effects of childhood trauma on love, understanding and healing unhealed trauma, confronting unhealable trauma, the power of meeting ourselves, and finding love in this heartfelt interview with Alex Howard, author of It's Not Your Fault.
Childhood trauma shapes our capacity to love and can prevent us from having intimate, connected relationships.
To foster healthy intimate relationships, we need to meet our core emotional needs of boundaries, safety, and love.
Deep dives
The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Love and Intimacy
Childhood trauma can shape our capacity to love and impact our ability to find healthy, soul-filling love. Trauma is not just about the events themselves, but how they shape us and reverberate throughout our lives. Trauma is like an echo that spreads through our experiences. The walls we build to protect ourselves can become prisons that prevent us from having intimate, connected relationships. Going through the healing process involves understanding trauma, meeting our core emotional needs, and establishing healthy boundaries. Healing trauma requires turning towards our pain, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, and providing the loving presence and attention we lacked in childhood. True healing comes from being present with ourselves and showing up with patience, love, and acceptance.
Navigating the Three Core Emotional Needs in Relationships
To foster healthy and lasting intimate relationships, we need to learn how to meet our three core emotional needs: boundaries, safety, and love. Boundaries involve saying yes and no to ourselves and others, finding the balance between independence and interdependence. Safety entails regulating our own nervous system and co-regulating with our partners, fostering trust and security. Love goes beyond superficial praise and recognition; it is about being loved for who we are, not just for what we do. Meeting these needs requires inner work and self-awareness, cultivating a loving presence, practicing self-compassion, and embracing vulnerability. It is a delicate balance of meeting our own needs while allowing our partners to do the same.
Healing Trauma: The Way Forward
The healing journey from trauma is unique for each individual, with various paths and methodologies available. The key lies in how we apply the chosen method and the presence we bring to our own healing process. Giving space to our feelings and emotions, and being present with ourselves in a patient, loving, and non-judgmental way, is essential for healing. The healing journey is not a linear process; it involves acknowledging our emotions, working through anger, sadness, and other intense feelings, and allowing ourselves to be authentic in our relationships. Healing trauma offers the opportunity to break free from patterns of suffering and find true intimacy within ourselves and with others.
The Journey to Love: Embracing Hope and Possibility
Finding love and building healthy relationships can be a challenging and sometimes long journey. However, the rewards are worth it. It's important to challenge the belief that we can never find the right person, as sometimes they may be right in front of us once we shift our perspective and do the inner work. The journey to love begins with doing the work on ourselves, meeting our own needs, and embracing personal growth and healing. When we focus on ourselves, different possibilities and opportunities for love can open up. The journey to love is about empowerment, self-discovery, and finding a deeper connection both within ourselves and with others.
Don’t miss this powerful, heartfelt interview with Alex Howard, author of It’s Not Your Fault — Why Childhood Trauma Shapes You and How to Break Free. You’ll learn how childhood traumas, large and small, have shaped your capacity to love. Most importantly, you’ll learn the tools that can heal trauma, catalyze deep self-love, and allow you to experience greater, healthier intimacy in your life.
