The Self-Driven Child Adolescents Are Identity Scientists: Exploring With Chris Balme
In this episode, I sit down with education leader, parent, and author Chris Balme for a deep, thoughtful, and often funny conversation about what adolescents are really doing during the middle school and teen years. We explore why this stage of life is less about “figuring kids out” and more about understanding the intense social, emotional, and neurological work they’re already doing every day. Chris offers a powerful frame that I love: adolescents as identity scientists, running experiments to answer one core question—who am I, and where do I belong?
We talk about how adults can make that work easier instead of harder, why third spaces and unhurried time matter so much, and how validation, sleep, peers, and belonging shape everything during these years. If you live with, teach, or care about adolescents—or if you’re willing to remember your own—this conversation will resonate.
Episode Highlights:
[0:00] – Why it’s so hard to change how we parent, even when we know better
[1:40] – Why adolescence is the right time to reinvent yourself
[3:10] – Chris introduces the idea of kids as “identity scientists”
[5:15] – Identity is built through social experiments—and adults can help or hinder
[7:45] – The importance of different social spaces where kids can reinvent themselves
[9:35] – Why “third spaces” and non-parent adults matter so much
[13:30] – The critical role of unhurried time and reflection
[15:35] – Sleep deprivation and what it explains about teen behavior
[18:25] – Social approval, belonging uncertainty, and the adolescent brain
[21:15] – Why validation beats fixing, lecturing, or minimizing
[24:30] – Middle school memories, awkward experiments, and empathy
[28:50] – Belonging comes first—before achievement and authenticity
[31:15] – What we gain, as parents, by walking this journey with our kids
Links & Resources:
Allo Parents:
Ned's podcast Interview with Michaeleen: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hunt-gather-parent-with-michaeleen-doucleff/id1676859533?i=1000643496031
About Michaeleen: https://www.npr.org/people/348778932/michaeleen-doucleff
Adolescents Are Identity Scientists: https://chrisbalme.substack.com/p/adolescents-are-identity-scientists
About Chris: https://www.chrisbalme.com/
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If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com