SYPM 013: Triggered all the time to emotional safety

When we're having a hard time interacting with our family members, it's pretty common for our first reaction to be: "I need this person (or these people!) to change their behavior" - especially when this person (or these people!) are children.  After all, we've been around for longer and we know what we're doing and we were fine before our children started misbehaving, right?   My guest today, parent-of-three Chrystal, had encountered this mentality not just about her children, but also about her husband.  In fact, when she went to couple's therapy with her husband it was with a sense of relief: "Finally, I'm going to find out what's wrong with him, because there's nothing wrong with me!"   She always figured: "If that person didn't act like that then I wouldn't need to react the way I'm reacting...and I legitimately thought that everyone else was responsible for my behavior."   Then she realized that her husband wasn't responsible for how she was feeling...she was.   Now she was ready to make the same leap related to her relationship with her spirited children, but needed new tools.  They would melt down over every tiny issue (not enough honey on the oatmeal!  Now not enough cream!  I don't WANT to get dressed!), and Chrystal found herself constantly scrambling to placate them.   Join us for a conversation about the new ideas she's learned, and how her children now don't cooperate blindly because she's forcing them, but express their agency while finding ways to collaborate that also meet their needs.  They have real agency in her family (they know she'll hear them and respect their ideas) and because of this, the little issues that used to provoke regular meltdowns are easily solved.  And Chrystal is learning how to set boundaries so she doesn't get walked all over - by her children, or by other members of her family.   Want to make a similar shift in your own interactions with your children?  My Taming Your Triggers workshop will help.         Jump to highlights:

• (01:00) Inviting listeners to join the Taming Your Triggers workshop
• (04:43) A little bit about Chrystal
• (11:06) Chrystal’s journey as a parent
• (13:58) How Chrystal found it difficult to build lasting relationships with parents who were raising their children the same way they were raised and how she found her people in the Taming Your Triggers community.
• (16:32) The fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses and how Chrystal resonated to the fawn response.
• (18:22) The first time Chrystal was able to connect what she’s feeling in her body with her belief systems
• (20:36) As the eldest of eight children, Chrystal felt that it was her responsibility to make sure everyone is happy when her mother couldn’t cope due to severe postnatal depression, and this has continued on with her character now that they’ve grown up
• (24:51)  When Chrystal decided to set boundaries and have it respected, she found out that her family’s issues can resolve themselves without her getting involved
• (28:14) The profound shift with for Chrystal in terms of what changed in her family after going through the Taming Your Triggers workshop is that she is now able to see situations as more than a win-lose situation
• (32:20) With two strong-willed daughters and a son who is also energetic, breakfast has been a challenge in Chrystal’s home. She’s learned to apply problem solving to find solutions, but the biggest revelation for her has been that it is okay for her children to have these big feelings
• (38:15) Chrystal explores the question, “Why should our children listen to us?” as she discovers extrinsic and intrinsic motivation
• (38:55) A beautiful moment when Chrystal was having a hard time getting her daughter ready for school, and another instance when she was having some friend over their house
• (47:08) Having the tools is great but it is just better to have a framework to implement it and really being intentional
• (51:20) Wrapping up with a sense of compassion.

  Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Taming Your Triggers workshop
• Upbringing with Hannah & Kelty
• Nonviolent Communication Podcast Episode
• The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind , by Daniel Siegel

  [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan  00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. We all want her children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the work for you by critically examining strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific research and principles of respectful parenting.   Jen Lumanlan  00:29 If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released, and get a FREE Guide called 13 Reasons Why Your Child Won't Listen To You & What To Do About Each One, just head over to YourParentingMojo.com/SUBSCRIBE. You can also continue the conversation about the show with other listeners in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group. I do hope you'll join us.   Jen Lumanlan  01:00 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Today we're going to talk with a parent, Chrystal all the way from Tasmania, Australia. I've been working with Chrystal for a few months firstly in the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and then she joined the Parenting Membership after that, and she's seen some truly profound shifts in how she interacts with her children. She recently posted about them in our private community and she gave me permission to share these updates that happened since we talked a few weeks ago. So not long ago, Crystal's toddler was having tantrums every morning at breakfast and for about 20 to 40 minutes she would grit her teeth through that as well as through a 30 minute car ride to school as he screamed through the whole thing. Now she's found ways for him to have more autonomy over his own breakfast, which means he's not resisting every step of the way. And it sets their whole day on a different track.   Jen Lumanlan  01:53   Her relationship with her eldest daughter had been marked by resistance as well. But recently they were in the car together and her daughter asked to put on pop music while they were driving. Chrystal said she was too tired for music, so her daughter asked if she could put on some quiet music instead which crystal likes. Crystal was shocked by her daughter's willingness to work with her because just a few weeks ago, her daughter would say no to her all the time. Just not do what crystal asked or ignore her. But now they're in a flow of working together. Now when her middle daughter's screaming whining having tantrums, Chrystal now sees that her daughter is having strong feelings about something like not being able to go to a party. And rather than getting angry herself crystal is able to reframe her daughter's anger because crystal understands that underneath that anger is disappointment about missing out on a fun event that all her friends are going to and that helps Chrystal to truly empathize with her daughter. Later on that night, they were able to have a problem solving conversation about seeing her friends over the holidays instead. And her daughter was completely on board with it.   Jen Lumanlan  02:55 And finally, through this work, Chrystal realized that she basically has never put up any boundaries in her life. She's always been a people pleaser, and put everyone else's needs first. So when her children used to cry or rage, she would do anything to get it to stop. Through this work, she realizes that her children have needs that really matter. But Chrystal herself also has needs that matter. And she signed up for therapy to help her work through the guilt and shame that she has when she even thinks about setting a boundary. So if there are echoes of your relationship with your children, and any of these stories are the ones you're about to hear, or if you're struggling with triggered feelings in other situations with your children, I invite you to join my taming your triggers workshop. It's open for enrollment from Sunday, August 1 through Wednesday, August 11. You'll get the knowledge you need to make the same kinds of shifts that Chrystal has made, a supportive community of parents, one of whom will often ask a question that's just floating below the surface of your consciousness. So you couldn't even articulate it yourself. But yeah, once you hear it and the answer to it, you realize that was just the key you needed to unlock a big revelation. And you also have the option to partner up with an Accountabuddy to provide encouragement, to dig deeper, and maybe even to develop a lasting friendship. You can learn more about the course at YourParentingMojo.com/TamingYourTriggers. So without further ado, hello to Chrystal who joins us all the way from Tasmania, Australia. It's great to have you here.   Chrystal Potter  04:20 Thank you. It's exciting to be with you.   Jen Lumanlan  04:22 So can you tell us a little bit about you and your family, please?   Chrystal Potter  04:25 I'd love to, firstly that I just want to start by thanking you for everything that you've done to invest into my life in the last couple of months. It's just been such a joy and an honor to get to know you through the Taming Your Triggers workshops. I just wanted to start with that.   Chrystal Potter  04:41 A little bit about me. I am the eldest of eight children. Blaine is 210 years old. So that's my you know, extended family, my family. Now I have three small children at home. So I've got an eight year old, a six year old and a three year old and they would what I would classify as strong willed and spirited children, so life is a lot of fun. A lot of high energy, a lot of high needs, um, you know, a family situation. So that's a little bit of a background about me.   Jen Lumanlan  04:41 You're welcome.   Jen Lumanlan  05:14 Okay, super. And I'm curious to just get to know you a little bit more and understand a bit more about your values and your beliefs as a person. And I think this is going to take us into some interesting territory.   Chrystal Potter  05:28 So values and beliefs as a as a person, I think he's a really interesting one like family's hugely important to me. And then growing up, as we will explore as I go through, I'm sure but growing up in a family context, where my family was very religious. And being the eldest of eight children, I felt a lot of responsibility on my shoulders to not only please my parents, but from a faith-based perspective, I felt like not only did I have to keep my parents happy, I then had this figure in the sky, I guess, kind of view that I had to keep this, God happy as well. And so it's been so interesting, I really walked away from my faith for a long period of time, because I'm like, well, I can't make my family happy. I definitely couldn't make this figure in the sky happy, and then it'll be so interesting as we explore like that ACE score. I was when I was reflecting on, you know, just the different modules and how that is an ACE or A.C.E.?   Jen Lumanlan  06:25 ACE. Yeah, yeah.   Chrystal Potter  06:28 I was really something that came out for me over the last couple of months has been you made this comment once that said, after everything I've been through, it's no wonder I react the way that I do. And that just was like the start of these amazing self-compassion for me and this realization. And so I had walked away from my faith for like a really extended amount of time. And then as a young adult, I found myself in a situation where I was heavily caught up in the drug scene, heavily caught up in drinking alcohol, and I thought, Ah, you know, there's something wrong with me, I can't believe that I'm in this situation, doing the things that I'm doing, you know, in really toxic codependent sort of relationships. And it was so eye opening to have this score and realize these are all contributing factors for how you end up in this situation. And so I found myself probably in my young, probably around about 20, had had a drug overdose moved from I hadn't moved away from my family situation, but obviously needed support. And I found myself back in Tasmania, where I grew up, and my family was going to this church at the time, and I was like Ugh church, but I went along with them. And from the minute I walked into the doors, I experienced this grace that I'd never experienced before. And I experienced, you know, what an actual faith based community could be like, which was loving and accepting, and grace. Yeah, I just had this experience that I'd never had before. And, you know, that has really contributed to where I am today. And I guess the journey that I've been on, but yeah, it's really interesting, looking at different people's values and faith based perspectives. And so that's Yeah, really important part of my journey, but has definitely changed from, you know, thinking that religion was about punishment and control to really been about acceptance, and love and grace, and so has really contributed to that self-compassion and self-awareness that I've been on over the last couple of years.   Jen Lumanlan  08:25 Yeah. And wow, I had no idea about all that background, I had thought we were going to get right into the part where you're a pastor and I'm an atheist. And you sent me a link to a sermon that you preached where you were essentially talking about Taming Your Triggers in this context of being in church, and wow, so so all of that backstory behind it, I mean, just to add so much more context to your journey, and how far you've come.   Chrystal Potter  08:55 It was a funny moment, wasn't it? I thought, um, I had obviously been so focused on these Taming Your Triggers for three months and like, Oh, I wonder what Jen's background is, maybe, you know, I can see that you are hopeful. And you know, all of the components of what I would think from a faith based community saw. Jolly. An you respond, like, Oh, yeah, it was, but it was fun. It was a fun time.   Jen Lumanlan  09:19 Yeah, for sure. And so I guess the point that I took really take home from it is that it doesn't matter whether you have a strong faith based perspective or not, that the this these ideas can really fit into a value set that prioritizes unconditionally loving relationships with our family members, and with a higher being as well, if that's the way you perceive it. Is that sort of what you take away from it, too?   Chrystal Potter  09:43 Yeah, definitely. But I also think, kind of that shift for like, there would be a high number of people in your community I imagine that do come from a faith based perspective, and helping people along like this is my passion helping people move from a God who just wants to punish them and you know, that control as we were growing up, and it's so interesting, that often how people perceive, you know, God or Jesus or a higher being is exactly how they would perceive how their family interacted with them. And so I've learned, you know, in my worst moment, I want a God who is able to be loving and compassionate and kind. And yet you my worst moment, you know, I'm running 100 million miles away, because I'm just going to experience more judgment and condemnation and guilt and shame. And so it's been really beautiful to bring those two into context of being actually I'm just welcomed for how I am and I am accepted how I am, and I'm worthwhile and valuable because of who I am, and not because of what I do what somebody kind of says about me. So that.   Jen Lumanlan  10:40 Yeah, how fascinating that the the model that you grew up in with your family, is essentially what you imagined God to be like.   Chrystal Potter  10:49 Exactly.   Jen Lumanlan  10:49 Yeah. And it makes sense logically right, that these people are supposed to be looking out for me, they're supposed to be caring for me, and this is how they show it. And therefore, this must be how everybody shows that they look out for you and care for you, even when it can be so damaging to us, as well. So Wow, that's super fascinating.   Jen Lumanlan  11:06 And so let's go a little bit more into your journey as a parent, and I think you've put a lot of thought into this before you ever stumbled on my work. And, and I know you were already familiar with respectful parenting, can you tell us a bit about how that process unfolded for you?   Chrystal Potter  11:22 Yeah, sure. So I have a daughter who's turning nine in July. And, um, and it's just so interesting how all the components come together, but she was born, and you could see from day one, that she was strong willed, like she, you know, from six weeks old, want it to be held in a certain way, and you couldn't lie her down and you know, just was really very strong in how she wanted to be treated. And, and as she grew up, probably, you know, as she hit two or three, I was looking at all my friends around me who had essentially that toolbox of control and authoritarian, and I could say that the majority of my friends' kids just wanted to keep their parents happy. And so they were super compliant, and the parents could throw at them, you know, this whole toolbox, and the children would comply. And yet here I was, with this toddler who, I mean, I could send her to timeout, I could, you know, put in these authoritarian things, but I could see long term a, when she was 12, or 13, what would I have when she says, you can no longer control me? I'm like, What am I going to have at that point? And, you know, that's where we often see these super uncompliant children just completely rebel, you know, and that was my experience, you know at 13, 14, when you realize your parents can't control you. And so I was like, I need a different I want a different style of...