My Adopted Child Is Rejecting Me - Weekend Wisdom

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Question: Hello, thank you sincerely for your podcast and the work you do. It has helped me feel less alone and allowed me to better navigate foster parenting and adopting from foster care. My husband and I have two amazing boys; they have the same bio mom, and two older siblings each in a different family. Our youngest is 5. We met when he was 3 months. Our oldest is 8. We met when he was 3. He was removed at birth, then placed with his bio mom at 2 months, removed at 8 months, moved to a new foster family at 10 months, and placed with his legal father at 2.5. His bio mom took him illegally after a few months (with the legal father's consent). When he and his baby brother were removed and placed with us, he was sad and scared. We formally adopted our boys three years ago. He has grown into a beautiful, highly intelligent, and athletic boy. However, he has never accepted me as his mother. 

He refuses affection, pulls away, and looks at me with what I perceive as disgust. We are close with his bio family (siblings and mom), and he is regularly upset that he can't live with his bio mom. Sometimes he blames me. I try to explain, but he shuts me out. His siblings are not with their bio mom either. I keep trying to build a connection, but after 5 years, I am losing hope. It is very easy and natural with my youngest. When we are affectionate, I am afraid my older son will feel left out, but he pushes me away and often won't even let me be near him. When we have special time (just the 2 of us), I plan activities with him that he likes and is excited for, but he often complains and is unhappy during his time with me. He does not remember his life before we met very well, but will recollect things we did and say it was his bio mom. 

His professional evaluations report that he is well adjusted, but my husband and I have concerns. I know this may be normal, but I desperately want to connect with him. The constant rejection is painful. Any tips or advice are greatly appreciated.

Resources:

• Why Foster Kids Create Fantasy Families
• Attachment-Informed Tools for Working with Kids
• 6 Tips for Creating Attachment
• 8 Ways to Strengthen Attachment with Your Child
• Navigating Challenging Behaviors: Practical Strategies for Parents (Free E-Guide)

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