Ep 118: Lying, Stealing, and Power Struggles

Paul Podolsky, author of Raising a Thief, goes in depth on his journey raising a traumatized daughter. Paul describes how to spot the signs and tells us what parents can do to help troubled teens heal and transition into adulthood.

Full show notes

With teens dangling somewhere between childhood and adulthood, it can be hard to negotiate control as a parent–control over how late they can stay out, how much time they spend doing their homework, how much junk food they eat. Although they’re not kids anymore, they likely still live under your roof, meaning things can sometimes get heated when it comes to setting the rules.

In certain cases, this battle over control can drive your kid to do some seriously bad stuff. When they feel powerless, they might turn to stealing, lying, and emotional manipulation to reclaim their sense of authority.

Today I’m talking to Paul Podolsky, author of Raising a Thief: a Memoir. Paul is here to talk about what happens when kids take their need for control too far. After he and his wife adopted a six month old child from Russia, they discovered that they were in for more than they bargained for. Paul has a lot to teach us about the psychology of control, and how to work through the power struggles you might be having with your kid.

By telling his own personal parenting story, Paul shines light on why teens sometimes feel powerless, what causes this troubling crisis of power in kids’ heads, and what you can do to gain back the control in your home.

Paul’s Powerful Story

When Paul’s daughter began stealing things from her Pre-K classroom, lying through her teeth and even exposing herself to other members of the class, Paul and his wife just weren’t sure what was going on. After adopting her at just six months old, they had provided her with a loving home and had raised her just like any other young girl...so why was she acting up so much? It turns out, the problems could be traced back to before the young girl was adopted.

Although Paul and his wife knew that their daughter had been through some rough times before being placed in an orphanage, they didn't know just how deeply affected she was. Because this trauma occurred for such a brief period of her life, and because she was now in a safe and stable home, Paul and his wife were certain that the psychological damage wouldn’t be so deep.

However, because her birth mother failed to feed or hold her, she developed a feeling of stress and instability that would lead to a lifetime of control issues. Because her trauma was created so early in her life and was so severe, it’s effects were irreversible. When she was nine, a doctor diagnosed her with reactive attachment disorder. Over the next few years, the problems became so intense that they had to place her in a specialized institution.

Although he’s been on a challenging journey, Paul is here to educate and share what he learned along the way. He wants parents to be aware of signs that their kid might have some deeper issues that need to be taken care of. In the episode, he talks further about his daughter’s troubling childhood, before dissecting just what is going on inside the heads of kids like her.

How Trauma Leads to Trouble

So why would a kid who’s experienced trauma want to steal, lie, and cause a ruckus? It goes beyond just a need for attention, Paul explains. When a kid takes something that isn’t theirs, they suddenly have control over the situation, of the item they’ve taken. When they lie and twist the narrative in their favor, they’re able to reclaim power. It’s about filling a void, says Paul.

Even if they’re only causing a small, inconsequential disruption, they’re able to feel powerful for a brief period of time. For many kids who’ve felt powerless or like they’ve been mistreated, causing trouble is a way for them to strike back at the world.

In the episode, Paul shares a story that demonstrates this unhealthy need for control. His family planned to go to the beach, with the ultimatum that his daughter had to finish her homework. Because his daughter had a fixation with control, she dawdled through her homework while her family waited, enjoying the power she held over them.

You may have found yourself in a similar situation, like when a kid just won't stop screaming until they get ice cream. Paul talked about how he didn't know what to do. If she kept them from going to the beach, she won. If he said, “forget the homework, let’s just go,” then she also won.

Paul reveals in the episode how he eventually put an end to the situation. It has a lot to do with remaining ambivalent, so as to restrict your child from gaining too much power over you.

Sound difficult? It is. Paul shares how he often struggles with it, and how you can take steps to make this process easier on yourself. In addition to ambivalence, Paul shares some other actions and preventative measures parents can take when kids become manipulative.

Parenting through the Problems

Dealing with kids who act this way is no easy task. Paul says that if these types of behaviors are occurring regularly and causing serious damage to your family, you shouldn’t be afraid to seek help. He recalls checking his daughter into an institution when things were getting far too difficult for he and his wife to handle alone, and how it was tough because it made him feel like a failure. However, when he realized she would be with professionals who knew how to help her, he was able to understand just how necessary it was.

Paul also recommends unity with your partner, if you have one. By binding together, the two of you create a stronger force. Manipulative kids might target one parent to try and pull you apart, creating a rift and weakening your power. But by listening to and valuing your partner’s opinions, and having their back in a tough spot, Paul believes you’ll be able to keep your family in better shape.

Another important thing Paul says to remember is to always be blunt with kids who act up. If you dilly dally around the point, you’ll create more of an opportunity for kids to make excuses or tell lies. Additionally, you’ve got to have kids meet you halfway, says Paul. If they’re not putting in the effort, then you have to show them that you won’t do it all for them. In the episode, Paul talks extensively about what he and his wife did on a daily basis to mitigate their daughters manipulative behaviors.

There’s so much to deal with, Paul expresses, and it’s ok to not always have a perfect day. No matter the kid, parenting is tough. All you can do is love unconditionally and work to make sure your kids are as happy and healthy as possible.

In the Episode…

We’re so glad to have Paul on today’s episode to share his story and give advice for what to do when kids struggle with control. In addition to the topics above, we talk about:

• Why it can be hard for troubled kids to get accurate diagnoses
• How to detect Reactive Attachment Disorder
• How we can prevent these behaviors from developing in the first place
• Why it can be very effective to present kids with choices
• What Paul’s relationship is like with his daughter now that she’s in adulthood

While kids might act out when feeling powerless, there’s ways you can challenge their difficult behavior. If you liked what Paul had to say, check out his bio for links to his website and social media. Thanks for listening and see you next y...