ERP 039: How To Shift Criticism Into Powerful Communication

Last week, I talked about Why Criticism Is So Painful In Relationship and why criticism is so problematic. I addressed what is happening when we get stuck in cycles of criticism and defensiveness in your love relationship.

Today, I talk about How To Shift Criticism Into Powerful Communication, and I have two resources to give to you.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

1-PAGE RELATIONSHIP GUIDE:

Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship (visit www.drjessicahiggins.com). This 1-page relationship guide is a quick and easy reference tool for transforming constant criticism in a relationship. It offers a side-by-side comparison of what a critical approach looks like versus a more constructive approach.

Most of us know being critical is not the best approach, but we do not know what to do instead. This relationship guide is helpful because it gives you examples of what you can do instead of being critical. There are 21 examples provided on this 1-page PDF.

Example:

Let's say I don't want to eat dessert for 3 weeks. If my goal is to feel healthy and have more energy, I will want to know how I can work towards that goal. While I know I don't want to eat any dessert, I don't know what TO do instead of eating dessert.

It is helpful to think about what I am going to do ahead of time, so when I get a craving, I will be more prepared. When I have a craving, instead of eating a dessert I can:

• Drink a glass of water
• Ask myself, "what am I really wanting right now?" I might be tired and want a nap. I might feel lethargic and need a walk. I might feel lonely and want to call a friend.
• Eat a piece of fruit

It is important to think about these strategies ahead of time. In the moment, we are not going to be thinking about alternative ways of approaching the situation.

What are the qualities you want in your relationship, especially if there is constant criticism? What is the result you want to achieve? Describe your ideal relationship environment (i.e. a relationship that is constructive, safe, supportive, encouraging, etc.).

17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

In this article, 17 Ways to Shift Criticism In Your Relationship, I offer 17 different strategies for you to consider to shift your critical behavior. Whereas the relationship guide (mentioned above) is more of a reference tool, this is an article that offers explanations to the suggestions and recommendations.

Underneath critical behavior, there are usually a few themes going on. Here are three:

1. Learned habits and patterning.

2. Not feeling good enough

3. Not trusting needs will be met

HOW TO REPLACE CRITICISM WITH CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR

Both the 1-page resource guide: Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship and article: 17 Ways to Shift Criticism In Your Relationship provide several suggestions and examples of how to replace criticism with constructive behavior.

Here are three ways to work with what might be going on underneath the critical tendency:

1. Reset your critical imprint. Identify the people in your life that were critical. Choose to adopt a different mindset and create new habits. Retrain yourself through repetition and practice.

2. Develop more self-worth. Foster a supportive inner voice. Attend to your fears and difficult emotions in a nurturing way (i.e. anxiety and anger). Look for ways to acknowledge and appreciate yourself and your contributions. Gain the belief that you are good enough and worthy.

3. Identifying your needs and ask your partner proactively for what you need and want. In last week's episode, I provided examples of how to turn a critical comment into a proactive statement. This requires developing some assertiveness. Also, here is a communication exercise that will provide guidance for these types of conversations.

Only when we feel comfortable with our own choices — and embrace our own imperfections — will we stop feeling the driving need to criticize others. ~ Brene Brown

Powerful communication begins to occur when we can put these more constructive approaches into practice. Imagine how your relationship would be different if:

• You felt respected, valued, worthy within your relationship
• You and your partner were in the practice of asking one another for what you want and need, within conversations that are productive and harmonious.
• You and your partner work together to create outcomes that are mutually beneficial.
• Your relationship environment is constructive, positive, and considerate.
• You and your partner are growing and learning together so that you can continue to develop a strong, secure, and loving relationship.

7 DAY CHALLENGE – AN INVITATION:

1. Download the 1-page guide: visit www.drjessicahiggins.com

2. Choose one strategy to work with for one week. Select a constructive approach to focus on and implement. When you catch yourself feeling critical, use this constructive approach instead of the critical one. This can be done individually or as a couple (listen to podcast episode for more explanation).

3. Check-in after 7 days. How did it go? What worked well? What didn't work well?

4. Share how it went. You can contact me here, or you can leave a comment below. You can participate anonymously. I will honor your confidence. We can all learn from each other.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in eliminating criticism and improving the quality of your relationship! I believe in your relationship success!

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Thank you!

Are you interested in getting support to shift your level of criticism in relationship? If so, you can contact me here. Let's have a conversation to see how I might be able to help. No obligations.