Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens 247: ENCORE: Lying, Sneaking, Cheating. What Keeps Kids From Being Honest?
Nov 25, 2025
Lying in kids is often a developmental phase rather than a character flaw. Parents learn how to help their children navigate the complexities of honesty without projecting fears. Discover the reasons behind why children lie, including anxiety and the need for privacy. The importance of emotional responses is emphasized, as managing reactions can foster a safe environment for truth-telling. Plus, explore the difference between guilt and shame, and how to encourage conscience-building through repair rather than punishment.
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Self-Lying Fuels Avoidance
- Kids sometimes lie to themselves first, using avoidance to manage anxiety rather than to trick parents.
- Lisa Damour says this self-deception can delay detection and make problems grow larger over time.
Fix The Problem Before Punish
- Don't start with anger when you discover lying about schoolwork; set that emotion aside to help solve the real problem.
- Work with your child and the school to inventory owed work and create a plan to catch up.
Privacy Led To Sneaking
- A 12-year-old lied about which houses she visited because she felt overcontrolled and denied normal privacy.
- Lisa Damour found the sneaking stemmed from denied autonomy, not malice toward her mother.