169: How to take care of yourself first with Liann Jensen

Liann did not have an easy entry into motherhood.  Her first child’s birth was pretty traumatic; it was followed by a miscarriage and then very quickly by another pregnancy.   And then by COVID.   She was already overwhelmed and then everyone was isolated…and suddenly Liann had a whole lot of anger that she hadn’t seen before.  She didn’t think things could be more difficult than they were in the immediate postpartum period…and then they were.   Her toddler, Hewitt, resented the new baby: Liann would be sitting on the couch nursing the baby and Hewitt is rolling on the floor shouting “NO BABY!  NO BABY!”   Transitions weren’t a problem before, but now they couldn’t make it out the door to go anywhere.   Liann doesn’t deny that she was looking for a quick fix.  She wanted Hewitt’s difficult behavior to stop, so she could stop feeling so freaking angry.   She listened to a few of my podcast episodes and realized that she had no self-compassion.  She saw that she could be compassionate toward other people in her life, but she was unable to extend that compassion to herself (and I know she’s not alone here: this is incredibly common among the parents I work with).  Every time one of her children had a meltdown it felt like a personal attack on her worth as a person.   It wasn’t a linear path for Liann to see things differently; she initially doubted that the new tools she was learning would be useful.  She was out on a hike with them when they started whining and she realized they were tired and hungry…and so was she…but how did that help?     Then she started to believe that things could be different; that there could be another way.   She stopped taking everything so personally, which created space for her to be able to see what her children were asking for, instead of seeing their expression of needs as an attack on her for not having anticipated and met them already.   And she also started to understand her own needs, and how she could meet these in ways that might seem unconventional, and that wouldn’t work for everyone, but they worked for her.  And that’s the important thing: it doesn’t matter whether the solution they came up with would work for anyone else, just like the solutions that will work for you and your child might not work for anyone else.  What matters is that they work for the two of you.   Hear what the solution was that worked for Liann and her son after he’d been demanding that she put him to bed and nobody else - as well as how she’s learned to ask for and accept help from friends, and how she’s no longer fazed by a baby who has covered every inch of themselves and their crib with poop.   Liann experienced a number of non-cognitive shifts as she went through the Taming Your Triggers workshop, which is where you don’t just believe something different to be true in your head, but that you take it on in your entire body as well.  At that point you no longer have to constantly remind yourself about what you’re supposed to do in difficult moments, because the knowledge isn’t just in your head - it’s in your body as well.  Then it becomes part of the fabric of how you live your life with your child.   We can’t know when and how these will happen, but I will say that almost everyone I’ve seen really apply themselves in the workshop does experience a non-cognitive shift of some kind, and it isn’t always what they were expecting it to be about, but it does help them to see things in a different way, which opens up space for them to meet their child’s needs and their own needs as well.   Taming Your Triggers Workshop Taming Your Triggers is now open for enrollment.  You’ll get:

• One module of content each week for 10 weeks: all the detail you need, and none you don’t
• Access to a private community of parents who will process this new knowledge alongside you, and even for you, as they explain what’s going on for them and you realize that you’re experiencing the same thing
• The opportunity to be matched with an AccountaBuddy to hold you gently accountable to complete the workshop, and deepen your understanding of the content
• Optional small group coaching with me if you know you need more support (for an additional fee)

  Jump to highlights (02:21) Getting to know Liann's family dynamic (04:08) The difficulties Liann experienced in her early journey as a parent including postpartum depression (05:32) Liann felt overwhelmed by his son's constant expression of "big feelings" (06:32) What inspired Liann to sign up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop after listening to Jen’s podcast episode entitled "Patriarchy is Perpetuated Through Parenting" (10:52) Lian's explorations into learning her family's needs and her own needs (15:12) Ways Lian started to see her needs as equally as important as her child's needs (16:10) The process that Lian and her partner used to overcome their son's difficulties with bedtime (19:49) Our child learns that we all have the right to set boundaries about what feels right to us and that they have the right to do that too (21:51) By being honest with herself, Lian was able to show self-compassion towards her sister during a difficult situation (25:33) The positive impact of the community on Lian and her family (30:03) Liann felt her need wasn’t important because of the White supremacy that showed up in her family of origin (33:03) The practices that Lian does to break the cycle of White supremacy in her family (38:42) How non-cognitive shift can help us progress in any work we do (41:15) The funny poop story of Liann’s child, and her response at that moment which she hadn’t seen in herself before (45:32) Big shift that Liann manifests when her need for rest is met