Deception, Conflict, and Authenticity: Navigating Relationships with Dr. Jason Whiting (Episode #24)

Deception, Conflict, and Authenticity: Navigating Relationships with Dr. Jason Whiting

Introduction and Background:

• Dr. Kevin Skinner introduces Dr. Jason Whiting, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and professor at Brigham Young University.
• Dr. Whiting has authored a book titled, “Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways We Deceive in Relationships”.

Main Themes:

• Deception in Relationships:
• Dr. Whiting discusses the prevalence of deception in relationships, from minor exaggerations to significant betrayals like affairs.
• He explains that understanding and addressing these deceptions can lead to more authentic and responsible interactions.

Research and Findings:

• Dr. Whiting shares insights from his research, which includes interviews with individuals involved in domestic violence.
• He notes that many people who have engaged in harmful behaviors often rationalize their actions but can recognize their excuses in calmer moments.

Physiological Responses and Conflict:

• The conversation highlights the concept of "flooding" as described by John Gottman, where high emotional arousal (heart rates over 100 bpm) makes constructive communication difficult.
• Dr. Whiting emphasizes the importance of taking timeouts during conflicts to allow physiological and emotional calmness to return.

Negotiated Timeouts:

• Dr. Whiting explains the concept of negotiated timeouts, where couples pre-arrange signals and strategies to pause heated arguments.
• This approach includes agreeing on signs of escalation, taking a break, and then deciding whether to continue the discussion, abandon it, or postpone it.

Authenticity and Core Values:

• The discussion shifts to becoming more authentic in relationships by aligning actions with core values such as honesty, kindness, and responsibility.
• Dr. Whiting and Dr. Skinner discuss strategies for individuals who struggle with honesty, including reflecting on their core values and practicing mindfulness.

Rebuilding Trust:

• For individuals who have been deceptive, Dr. Whiting advises focusing on consistent honesty and understanding the partner's perspective.
• He mentions the importance of having space for individual work and appropriate accountability outside of overwhelming the marital relationship.

Communication and Kindness:

• Dr. Whiting discusses the balance between honesty and kindness, emphasizing that being "brutally honest" is often just being brutal.
• Effective communication requires considering the other person's feelings and context, not just raw emotional honesty.

Conclusion:

• Dr. Whiting and Dr. Skinner highlight the significance of developing healthier communication habits, understanding physiological responses during conflicts, and fostering authenticity and kindness in relationships.

Resources Discussed in the Podcast:

1. Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways We Deceive in Relationship by Dr. Jason Whiting
2. The Science of Trust by Dr. John Gottman