How to Talk to People You'd Rather Hate (Loretta J. Ross)
Feb 13, 2025
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Loretta J. Ross, an activist and professor known for her work in the human rights movement, discusses the transformative power of 'calling in' over 'calling out.' She shares insights from her decades of experience, emphasizing the importance of empathy and understanding in resolving conflicts. Ross explores the psychological roots of anger, the journey of personal transformation, and the role of kindness in activism. Through her belief in human goodness, she encourages self-forgiveness and optimistic engagement, fostering deeper connections across divides.
Engaging in dialogue rather than confrontation facilitates personal growth and fosters empathy in those who may cause harm.
Addressing underlying fears and vulnerabilities is essential for dismantling harmful ideologies and promoting a compassionate society.
Deep dives
The Power of Calling In
A culture of calling in emphasizes engaging with individuals who may cause harm rather than resorting to calling out or canceling them. This approach prioritizes dialogue and understanding over confrontation, allowing for transformative conversations that can lead to personal and social change. Loretta J. Ross suggests that by addressing the underlying motivations behind harmful behavior, it is possible to build connections that foster empathy and growth. She argues that when people feel valued and appreciated, they are less likely to engage in harmful acts and more likely to reflect on their behavior.
Understanding Fear as a Driver of Behavior
Fear plays a significant role in driving people's actions and responses, often manifesting in anger and aggression. The podcast discusses how fear can lead to othering, a behavior that separates individuals based on perceived differences, creating divisions and hostility. Loretta shares insights from her experiences deprogramming individuals involved in hate groups, showing that many do not start from a place of hatred but rather from a sense of fear and lack of belonging. By addressing the fears that fuel these feelings, individuals can begin to dismantle harmful ideologies and foster more compassionate perspectives.
The Importance of Vulnerability and Healing
Tending to vulnerabilities is crucial for fostering a compassionate society, as it allows for the deep understanding of others' pain and experiences. Loretta emphasizes that empathy grows when people recognize their own struggles and those of others, leading to genuine connections and healing. She highlights that everyone carries their pain, not just marginalized individuals, which can be a foundation for building bridges rather than barriers. Understanding this shared humanity encourages people to offer kindness and support in moments of crisis, regardless of background or beliefs.
Choosing a Positive Vision for Change
Fostering an optimistic outlook is essential for long-term change, as fear and negativity can inhibit progress. Loretta believes that maintaining faith in the goodness of people, even those with opposing views, is vital for constructive dialogue and community healing. Encouraging a positive vision involves recognizing the capacity for change in individuals and celebrating acts of kindness, rather than only focusing on negativity. This shift allows for a collective movement toward inclusion and understanding, emphasizing that compassion and joy should be at the forefront of social justice efforts.
Loretta J. Ross’s particular approach to deciding when, and how, to call someone in helps us to avoid making other people’s problem our problem. It gives us a way to effectively be in conversation with people capable of causing harm—instead of trying, and failing, to be in defense of the vulnerable. Ross shares what she’s learned from watching people be manipulated into hating, and from helping them to release that hate. She talks about addressing our own cognitive dissonance; the guilt trip wires we carry internally; and learning to forgive ourselves for not knowing or caring enough. And after everything she’s seen and experienced, Ross tells us why she refuses to end her belief in the goodness of people—and she shares her joy with us.
For more on Loretta J. Ross and her new book Calling In: How to Start Making Change with Those You'd Rather Cancel—head over to my Substack.