The Dangerous Gap in Raising Boys That No One’s Talking About

Boys today are struggling — with school, with purpose, with identity. At the same time, parents are being told that masculinity is toxic — or irrelevant. Are we accidentally raising a generation of young men who feel lost before they’ve even begun? And how do we raise boys who are strong, kind, and confident without making them feel like they’re not enough?

In this episode, Justin and Kylie unpack one of the most provocative ideas in parenting boys: surplus value. Drawing on research from Richard Reeves, Scott Galloway, and David Gilmore, they explore why contribution and purpose matter so much for boys’ identity, how to frame it in a healthy way, and why ignoring it leaves our sons vulnerable to destructive alternatives.

KEY POINTS

• Why boys often tie identity to what they contribute rather than just who they are.
• The difference between unconditional worth at home and purpose in the world.
• How “surplus value” is not about pressure, but about channeling natural drives into positive contribution.
• Why society has always “made men” through responsibility and service — and why our boys still need this today.
• How to talk about contribution without undermining your son’s self-worth.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“Being useful helps boys feel valuable — not because they’re not enough, but because they’re capable of great things.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED

• Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves
• Manhood in the Making by David Gilmore
• Sign up for updates on Justin’s upcoming book Boys → https://happyfamilies.com.au/boys-book-waitlist

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS

1. Reassure your son daily: “You matter because you are you.”
2. Create opportunities for him to contribute at home in age-appropriate ways.
3. Talk about purpose and contribution as part of becoming a man — not as pressure, but as an invitation.
4. Watch for signs of directionlessness in the teen years and help channel energy into positive pathways.

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