TPP 359: An Conversation with Dr. Emily Edlynn on Raising Autonomous Children

There are so many parenting styles — attachment, helicopter, positive, peaceful, authoritarian, authoritative, and on and on. And those of us parenting neurodivergent kids know there is no one-size-fits-all approach for navigating the day-to-day, even when our big picture goal is similar — to raise children who grow up to know themselves deeply and are prepared to live self-actualized lives, whatever that may look like for them.

So I really loved learning about the focus of Dr. Emily Edlynn’s work on autonomy-supportive parenting, which she defines as “raising our children to understand their authentic selves, including developing self-respect, self-worth, behaving by values, the ability to self-govern, and feeling a sense of volition, or control over choices and actions.” She explains how to do this in her new book, Autonomy Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, and that’s what we get into in today’s show.

During this conversation, we talk about the ways in which autonomy-supportive parenting nurtures a child's autonomy, competence, and relatedness, which are actually the three needs that must be met according to self-determination theory, what “controlling parenting” is and how it can have negative effects on a child's well-being, and how to balance autonomy support with appropriate support and intervention when parenting a neurodivergent child or a child who is experiencing mental health challenges. We also discussed what keeps parents from adopting autonomy supportive parenting and how to navigate it when one’s partner isn’t on the same page in terms of parenting approach.

About Dr. Emily Edlynn

Dr. Emily Edlynn is a clinical psychologist, author, mother of three, and co-host of the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast. She pens the regular parenting advice column, Ask Your Mom, for Parents.com, has written for national outlets such as Washington Post, Scary Mommy, and Motherly, and has been featured as an expert across parenting articles in outlets such as the New York Times, CNN, and BBC. Emily works with children, teens, and families as the Director of Pediatric Behavioral Medicine at a private practice in Oak Park, IL. She lives in Oak Park with her endlessly supportive partner, three opinionated and charming children, and two rescue dogs. Emily’s new book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children is out now.

Things you'll learn:

• Autonomy supportive parenting (ASP) is a science-based approach that nurtures a child's autonomy, competence, and relatedness
• What “controlling parenting” is and why it can have negative effects on a child's well-being
• How ASP can be applied to neurodivergent kids by providing external structure and scaffolding while still promoting their sense of agency
• How to balance autonomy support with appropriate support and intervention when parenting a child with mental health challenges
• What gets in the way of parents embracing ASP
• How to navigate it when one’s partner isn’t on the same page in terms of parenting approach

Resources mentioned:

• Dr, Emily Edlynn’s website
• Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children by Dr. Emily Edlynn
• Emily Edlynn’s free newsletter on Substack
• Emily on Instagram
• Emily on LinkedIn
• All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior
• How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims
• Julie Lythcott-Haims on Helping Differently Wired Kids Launch (Tilt Parenting Podcast)
• Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World by Dr. Devorah Heitner
• Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
• I Will Die on This Hill: Autistic Adults, Autism Parents, and the Children Who Deserve a Better World by Meghan Ashburn and Jules Edwards

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