147: The 3 Stages of People-Pleaser Recovery

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Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t just about learning to say “no” to others. It's about learning to say "yes" to self.  It’s about rediscovering who you are beneath all the over-giving, boundary-blurring, and self-sacrificing. Many of us fall into the trap of thinking that if we just give enough—if we’re kind enough, accommodating enough—others will eventually do the same for us. But instead of building mutual respect, this pattern often leads to exhaustion, resentment, and one-sided relationships. The good news? You can break free. The journey isn’t always easy, but by moving through these three key stages—recognizing your people-pleasing tendencies, seeing the injustices in your relationships, and stepping into your healed, boundaried self—you’ll start showing up in a way that honors you.

Stage 1: The People-Pleaser

This is where we put everyone else first, hoping that if we accommodate their needs, they’ll eventually accommodate ours. We tell ourselves that being “nice” means making excuses for their lack of effort, justifying their behavior, and minimizing our own needs. But over time, we realize that this isn’t kindness—it’s self-abandonment. And instead of fostering connection, it just keeps us stuck in a cycle of over-giving while the other person gets comfortable taking. Eventually, the burnout and resentment creep in, signaling that something has to change.

Stage 2: Recognizing Injustice

This is when the blinders come off. We start seeing the imbalance in our relationships—not as a misunderstanding, but as an injustice. We realize just how much we’ve been pouring into others while getting very little in return. And what’s worse? They’ve come to expect it. This stage can be painful because, once we see the truth, we can’t unsee it. But it’s also empowering because anger, grief, and frustration—while uncomfortable—are often the very things needed to push us toward change.

Stage 3: The Healed & Boundaried Self

Here’s where things shift. Instead of managing other people’s emotions, we start managing our own. We take responsibility for our needs, our limits, and our well-being. And yes, this means setting boundaries—even when it makes others uncomfortable. Not everyone will like the new, boundaried you, but that’s okay. The people who truly care about you will adjust, and those who don’t? Well, now you have clarity on where to invest your energy. The more you practice standing in your truth, the more you attract relationships that honor and respect you as much as you respect yourself.

Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or unkind—it’s about loving yourself enough to stop overextending for people who won’t do the same for you. It’s about realizing that your worth isn’t tied to how much you give, but to who you are. And yes, setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first. But you know what’s even more uncomfortable? Staying stuck in relationships where you’re undervalued. True healing happens when we stop looking for external validation and start building our self-worth from within.

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