Sam Jolman, a trauma therapist with over two decades in sexual trauma recovery, shares insights from his extensive experience. He discusses the significance of nurturing dialogues about sexuality, contrasting emotional intimacy with mere physical lust. Jolman emphasizes understanding sexuality through desire rather than mere drive. He explores human dignity in relationships, advocating for holistic conversations that address both emotional and physical aspects. His personal anecdotes and compassionate approach provide valuable resources for parents and individuals navigating these critical discussions.
Many men view their sexuality through a narrow lens, lacking safe spaces for deeper conversations about sexual identity and formation.
Addressing generational neglect in sex education requires parents to process their own feelings about sexuality for healthier discussions with their children.
Deep dives
The Need for an Expanded Conversation on Male Sexuality
Many men often view their sexuality through a narrow lens, focusing solely on sin and behavior, such as lust or abstinence. This limited perspective neglects a more profound understanding of male sexuality and the importance of meaningful conversations about sexual formation. Men frequently lack safe spaces for sharing their struggles, contributing to the idea that masculinity is over-sexualized yet under-sexually nurtured. Addressing this gap can involve opening discussions that go beyond surface-level reactions to sexuality, leading to a more mature understanding and healthier expressions of sexual identity.
Generational Neglect and the Complexity of the Sex Talk
Discussing sexuality is often hindered by generational neglect, where many parents lacked adequate sex education themselves, leaving them without a template for open conversations with their children. This generational gap creates challenges, making it difficult for parents to address sexual topics in a meaningful way. The discomfort associated with discussing sexuality stems from its vulnerability and core significance, as it involves deeply personal stories and experiences. To have productive conversations with children, parents must confront and process their own feelings about sexuality, including any shame they may harbor.
Understanding Awe in Healthy Sexuality
Awe intertwines elements of pleasure and reverence, creating a healthier context for sexuality that goes beyond mere physicality or reductionism. Having awe leads to a more profound appreciation for oneself and one's partner, moving beyond objectification and dismissal of emotional significance. This concept of awe can redefine experiences of attraction and intimacy, allowing for experiences that celebrate the beauty and complexity of human connection. Instead of reducing sexuality to instinct or drive, framing it within the realm of awe encourages a respect for the sacredness inherent in sexual relationships.
The Importance of Addressing Sexual Harm
A significant issue in conversations about sexuality is the prevalence of sexual harm and abuse, with alarming statistics revealing that many individuals experience unwanted sexual contact during their lives. These experiences often result in deep-seated shame that inhibits open discussions and personal healing, adversely affecting one’s sexual identity. Acknowledging the impact of such trauma is essential in empowering individuals to reclaim their sexual narratives and engage in healthy relationships. Importantly, emphasizing kindness, compassion, and understanding during these conversations can facilitate healing and help others break the cycle of silence surrounding sexual harm.
Today we are posting an interview with Sam Jolman. Sam is a trauma therapist with over twenty years of experience specializing in men’s issues and sexual trauma recovery. Being a therapist has given him a front-row seat to hear hundreds of men and women share their stories. His writing flows out of this unique opportunity to help people know and heal their stories, and find greater sexual wholeness and aliveness. He received his master’s in counseling from Reformed Theological Seminary and was further trained in Narrative Focused Trauma Care through the Allender Center at The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology. We’ll be talking today primarily about his book The Sex Talk You Never Got.