229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves

13 snips

Nov 8, 2025

The podcast dives into the complexities of secrecy and privacy in relationships. It reveals how keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as damaging as hiding them from partners. The hosts discuss 'bifurcated monogamy,' where people lead dual lives that create friction in intimacy. They emphasize the importance of writing down thoughts to achieve self-integration and rebuild trust through consistent actions. Listening encourages embracing uncomfortable truths and developing new communication skills for healthier connections.

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ANECDOTE

Early Intuition About Secret Keeping

Joli woke Ken from sleep and immediately sensed he was a secret keeper, which later proved accurate.
That early moment presaged years where Ken unconsciously fragmented realities across relationships, causing harm.

INSIGHT

Secrecy Can Be Self-Directed

Secrecy is withholding information that affects another person's decisions or consent.
Joli adds that people can also keep secrets from themselves, using fragmentation as a defense.

ANECDOTE

Notebook Revealed Fragmented Realities

Ken began taking a notebook to conversations and recording what he said to each partner.
That practice revealed his discontinuities and helped him confront internal multiplicity.

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Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.

Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships

— How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners

— The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities

— Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences

— How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness

— The relationship between autonomy and responsibility

— Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships

— The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships

— How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships

— The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy

— Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy

— How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhood

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Our episode on dismantling defensiveness

— Our episode on weasel words

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions