Ep 332: Why Punishments Aren't Working

Doug Bolton, author of Untethered, reveals why teenage misbehavior is a skill issue rather than a motivation problem—and explains how adults can teach teens emotional regulation, stress management, and accountability.

Full Show Notes

We've all been there; after yet another homework battle, missed curfew, or bitter argument, we throw our hands up in frustration and wonder why can't our teen just behave? Typically we've been taught to see teens' "problem behaviors"—breaking rules, fighting us on homework, zoning out—is all a motivation issue. We've internalized the idea that teens “act out” because they're lazy, they don’t care enough, or they're defiantly choosing not to listen. As a result, parents often respond by escalating punishments, removing privileges, or lecturing until everyone is angry or shut down.

But what if we've got this all wrong? What if we’re mislabeling stress behaviors and skill deficits as "bad motivation"? Shifting from a motivation-based view to seeing teen misbehavior as a lack of emotional regulation skills can be truly transformational for families. It turns out that when teens aren't meeting expectations, they're usually struggling because they haven’t developed crucial skills yet, like moving easily from something they want to do (TikTok, gaming) towards something they don't (homework, chores). Instead of punishing teens, parents can address the root cause: helping them build essential, lifelong skills.

To guide us in rethinking teen discipline, we're joined by Doug Bolton, psychologist, longtime principal, therapist, and author of Untethered: Creating Connected Families, Schools, and Communities to Raise a Resilient Generation. Doug spent over two decades as principal at Northshore Academy, a school designed specifically for emotionally and behaviorally struggling teens. He's observed firsthand how approaching misbehavior as a stress and skills problem, rather than a motivation issue, transforms kid's lives and relationships.

In this episode, Doug explains why punishments and incentives typically fail with teenagers—and how we can shift to skill-building and connection instead. We'll learn how teens' brains work differently around stress and decision-making (hint: they're not fully mature until age 30!) and why we can't expect instant adult-level reasoning from them constantly. Doug gives us step-by-step guidance on how to respond effectively when teens are stressed, emotional, and reactive.

Why Emotions, Not Motivation, Drive Behavior:

Have you ever noticed how some days your teen can easily breeze through their homework, while other days they struggle intensely? Doug explains that this is one of the telltale signs of emotional and stress behavior. Teens' emotional regulation skills are still developing, and their ability to smoothly manage stressors fluctuates based on context and daily circumstances. Their struggles come from the normal teenage brain being a "work in progress," not from laziness or defiance.

Doug illustrates how quickly adults escalate to punishments when they feel out of control, unintentionally reinforcing shame and fear. Instead, he shows how we can help teens practice emotional regulation strategies like breaks, walks, or even a few minutes playing video games or listening to music, to bring their brains back into calmer, rational territory.

Effective Discipline: Teaching Skills, Not Enforcing Punishment

Instead of punishments that create resentment and anger, Doug emphasizes the importance of accountability. But this accountability isn't about suffering detention or grounding—it's about responsibility and making amends. He explains how parents can coach teens through thoughtful conversations about repairing harm done, being responsible, and explaining what happened. Teens are capable of mature reflection, empathy and restitution if we guide them, rather than shame them.

Doug also speaks powerfully about the mistakes adults make when it comes to teen status and stress. How younger teens or "less successful" students experience enormous stress from being at the bottom of the peer or family-status ladder, and why we must watch carefully that we aren’t subtly reinforcing these harmful hierarchies at home. Treating all kids fairly and helping each teen find purpose and status in their unique talents deeply reduces unhealthy stress.

Helping Teens Find Their Purpose Through Service and Connection

Sometimes the teens labeled "troubled" or 'hard-to-reach" are actually those most capable of empathy and service. Doug shares moving stories of teens who were acting out or at risk, yet discovered purpose and meaning through helping younger students or mentoring peers through similar struggles (such as substance abuse recovery). Often the kids who've encountered the biggest hurdles have profound insights to share, if we provide opportunities for them to give.

Doug explains how shifting these teens from being the only recipients of support (or discipline) to being providers and mentors themselves can radically change their trajectory, healing emotional wounds and boosting their sense of self-worth.

In the Episode…

There's a wealth of wisdom Doug shares beyond these topics! In our conversation, Doug and I also cover:

• Practical emotional regulation strategies for parents and teens
• How to identify "stress behaviors" and address underlying stressors
• Why punishments work against connection (and what to do instead!)
• What parents can learn from couples' "bids for connection"
• Why teens who struggle most can often give the greatest gifts

This episode takes a closer look at what truly sparks teenage acting out behaviors—and how we as parents and educators can respond thoughtfully and effectively. Doug's approach reframes teen discipline from a power struggle toward understanding, connection, and mutual learning. If you’re looking for realistic strategies to reduce confrontations and transform your relationship with your teen, be sure to tune in.

Doug Bolton is author of Untethered: Creating Connected Families, Schools, and Communities to Raise a Resilient Generation. Check him out online at drdougbolton.com or FPSchicago.com to learn more. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to share this episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens—we'll see you next week!