Molly & Alastair Part 2 of 4: When you’re in a Power Struggle with your Kids

This episode is part two of three sessions with parents Molly and Alastair. Last week Leslie focused on the sibling dynamics between their daughters, 8-year-old Elizabeth and 4-year-old Katherine. This week we focus on a different kind of dynamic: the power struggle. In the fight for power between child and parent, Leslie offers an alternative: stop struggling for power and put an end to the power struggles. In this episode Leslie discusses identifying the problem behind the struggle, what the problem really is, whose problem is it, and learning to ask: can we try that again?

Time Stamps:

• 5:02 Whose problem is it? Is it the child’s problem or is it the parent’s problem
• 7:07 Definition of power struggle
• 8:15 What happens if the parent give in
• 9:52 Example of sibling rivalry and how parents reinforce the escalation 
• Strategies to deal with power struggles
  • 12:02 Say that you need a moment (to get into wise mind)
  • 12:39 Engage your child in the problem solving process 
  • 12:54 Do a pros and cons
  • 13:34 Notice and name what’s going on
  • 14:12 Use the phrase “try it again”
• 15:20 How to give the problem back to your child
• 19:39 Go below the surface - Restate child’s blaming statement into naming the underlying emotion
• 23:10 Parenting using “try it again” between the parents
• 27:31 If I had the superpower of mindreading - add levity to a situation and tapping into your child’s imagination
• 27:40 Mindreading is known as a problematic thinking problem
• 28:23 Again - give the problem back to your child
• 30:05 Stop and acknowledge when your child gets through a struggle - reinforce that they did it!!
• 32:21 How to gain some distance and perspective on past experiences so you don’t end up re-experiencing
• 35:20 Naming the dialectic dilemma and identifying priorities
• 36:10 Understanding how to find a synthesis as a solution to a dialectic dilemma

Resources:  

• Handout titled:  Whose Problem is it?
• Handout on choosing between power over, power under and personal power belief system

Leslie-ism: When you don’t like a Child’s response use the phrase “Try Again” 

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.