The Couples Therapist Couch 273: Working with Infidelity in Couples Therapy with Shane Birkel
Dec 23, 2025
Explore the complex world of infidelity in couples therapy. Discover the betrayal spectrum and the emotional reactions, like shame and anger, that partners often experience. Learn about the importance of assessing commitment and the role of remorse in healing. Shane emphasizes the necessity of clear communication and practical safety agreements post-affair, along with the key distinction between healthy guilt and toxic shame. Dive into the deeper work of individual therapy to address root causes and ultimately rebuild trust.
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Infidelity Exists On A Spectrum
- Shane Burkle frames infidelity as a spectrum from broken agreements to sexual or emotional affairs.
- Treat each violation as a betrayal that may require repair proportional to its severity.
Give A Realistic Recovery Timeline
- Tell couples the recovery is hard and often takes a year or more of consistent therapy.
- Normalize recurring pain around milestones like first holidays to set realistic expectations.
Prioritize Safety During The Crisis Phase
- Prioritize the betrayed partner's safety in the crisis phase and commit to stabilizing for 2–3 months.
- Explore practical safeguards like separate space, restricted contact, or transparency agreements.