Dan Savage On: How to Handle Disappointment in Your Relationships, How to Get Better at Sex, and Why a 'Couple' is an Illusion
Feb 5, 2024
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Dan Savage, popular sex-advice columnist, discusses handling disappointment and jealousy, improving sex, the illusion of a 'couple', challenges in talking about sex for straight couples, and the importance of practice and communication in sexual encounters.
The importance of realistic expectations and adaptation in long-term monogamous relationships
The vital role of open and honest communication in exploring desires and preferences in sexual relationships
The concept of being Good, Giving, and Game (GGG) in meeting your partner's sexual needs while maintaining boundaries
Deep dives
The Myth of Monogamy
The speaker challenges the idea of monogamy as the default setting and emphasizes the importance of realistic expectations in monogamous relationships. He highlights the value of disappointment and the ability to adapt and grow in a long-term relationship.
The Power of Communication
The speaker discusses the vital role of communication in relationships, particularly in the context of sex. He emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication in exploring desires and preferences and encourages couples to continually engage in conversations about their sexual needs and boundaries.
GGG: Good, Giving, and Game
The speaker introduces the concept of GGG, which stands for Good, Giving, and Game. He explains that being GGG means being committed to meeting your partner's sexual needs while also maintaining reasonable boundaries. He argues that mutual pleasure and satisfaction are crucial for the health and longevity of monogamous relationships.
The Idea of a Couple
The speaker challenges the notion of a couple, describing it as an idea or story that two individuals create together. He suggests that couples can evolve and rewrite their story over time, allowing for growth, change, and the acceptance of imperfections. He urges individuals to support and love their partners through their personal transformations.
The Importance of Intimate Communal Strength
Amy Muse's research on intimate communal strength reveals that meeting a partner's sexual needs, even if they're outside of one's comfort zone, can strengthen the relationship for both individuals. The person indulging the needs of their partner also benefits by feeling closer and more cared for.
The Challenges of the Paradox of Choice in Dating
The rise of dating apps and the abundance of choices in partners has led to a paradox of choice, where some individuals feel both paralyzed and overwhelmed. This paradox is further complicated by the changing dynamics of relationships and the shift towards non-traditional heteronormative lifestyles. The culture of dating has become more complex, and individuals must navigate their own desires and needs amidst a sea of options.
Dan Savage has been writing the popular sex-advice column Savage Love for over thirty years. He also hosts the Savage Lovecast and is the author of numerous books. In 2010 Dan and his husband founded the It Gets Better Project, which was designed to give hope to LGBTQ kids. It was seen all over the world–and won an Emmy.
In this episode we talk about:
How to handle disappointment and jealousy
How to get better at sex
Why so many couples lose their spark and what to do about it
How to date in the era of apps
Why it’s so hard for straight couples to talk about sex
Dan’s contention that the idea of a ‘couple’ is an illusion