In this insightful conversation, psychologist Joshua Coleman, who specializes in family counseling and authored Rules of Estrangement, delves into the rising trend of parent-child estrangement. He discusses the cultural shift from obligation to individuality and the emotional impacts of these changes. The dialogue explores varied childhood experiences, the role of therapists in these dynamics, and effective strategies for reconciliation, including crafting amends letters. This exploration sheds light on the complex interplay between modern relationships and familial ties.
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insights INSIGHT
Rising Estrangement
Parent-child estrangement is increasing, likely due to societal shifts and not just increased media coverage.
Studies show a significant percentage of parents, especially fathers, are estranged from adult children.
insights INSIGHT
Shifting Relationship Dynamics
Societal emphasis on individuality and "pure relationships" contributes to estrangement.
The traditional "honor thy father and mother" framework has weakened, prioritizing personal happiness.
insights INSIGHT
Voluntary Relationships
Parent-child relationships are now often viewed as voluntary, similar to friendships or romantic relationships.
This contrasts with previous generations, where familial ties were seen as obligations.
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In 'Rules of Estrangement,' Dr. Joshua Coleman provides a compassionate and insightful guide for parents dealing with estrangement from their adult children. The book places estrangement within a cultural and historical context, exploring the socioeconomic and psychological factors that contribute to these family ruptures. Coleman offers practical advice on how parents can engage in meaningful conversations with their estranged children, cultivate healthy relationships, and cope with the emotional challenges of estrangement. He emphasizes empathy, self-reflection, and the importance of parents taking the initiative in reconciliation efforts. The book also addresses various specific issues such as mental illness, addiction, and conflicts over identity, religion, and politics[2][4][5].
The WEIRDest People in the World
Joseph Patrick Henrich
Korey Jackson
Joseph Henrich
In this book, Joseph Henrich explores how Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic (WEIRD) populations developed their unique psychological profiles. He argues that changes in family structures, marriage, and religion, particularly influenced by the Roman Catholic Church, led to the emergence of WEIRD psychology. This psychology is characterized by individualism, self-obsession, control-orientation, nonconformity, and analytical thinking, which contrast with the more group-focused and shame-driven cultures of non-Western societies. Henrich uses research from anthropology, psychology, economics, and evolutionary biology to explain how these psychological differences contributed to the industrial revolution and the global expansion of Europe[1][4][5].
These days, you hear more and more about parents and adult children being estranged from each other. Some individuals have even decided to go "no contact" with their parents; they don't want anything to do with their mom and/or dad at all.
To understand what's behind this phenomenon, today I talk to Joshua Coleman, a psychologist who's spent 40 years counseling families and the author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Joshua goes beyond the typical one-sided narratives around parent-child estrangement that tell the story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents, to unpack the larger cultural context for why these tensions have arisen. We discuss how society has moved from upholding a honor-thy-father-and-mother sense of obligation to prioritizing individuality and optionality, and why despite the fact that we're more child-focused and psychologically aware than ever, familial estrangements are on the rise. We get into the common reasons for estrangement, the role that expanding ideas of what constitutes abuse and trauma and an adult child's therapist can play in it, and how much parents can really be blamed for how their kids turn out. And we get into what parents who are estranged from their children can do to reconcile with them. Even if you're not personally estranged from a family member, the discussion of the underlying dynamics influencing all our modern relationships is a fascinating one.
The Art of Manliness 
