How to Spot Relational Aggression in Your Female Friendships

Relationships are a woman’s greatest resource. Yet so often, female friendships are stifled by the poor choices we make to manage conflict and express ourselves. This can mean gossiping, excluding, or giving the silent treatment to friends and other women instead of opening up and having a real conversation with them. Why does it feel easier to resort to these tactics to cut others down? Let’s get into it. On today’s episode we cover what relational aggression can look like in female friendships and the ways in which we can begin to notice these behaviors in ourselves. 

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The phrase 'relational aggression' may be unfamiliar, but ultimately it's understood as being petty, sneaky, sideways, and displaying mean girl behavior. The working definition includes trying to cut someone down without physical aggression. While the tactic isn’t solely used by women, it's often a go-to. So much strength and power come from female friendships, that when another woman harms that connection, there’s a ripple effect, and rebuilding that network of relationships is tough work. 

Friendship expert and educator Danielle Bayard Jackson shares, “If we want to begin repairing and deepening our female friendships collectively, as a sisterhood, I think we have to first get clear on what it [relational aggression] looks like, and why we do it. And then get clear on why we are sometimes guilty of also reaching for those tools when we feel threatened or hurt."

So how does one face these nasty habits and add more productive behaviors to their friendship toolbox?

Why be a mean girl?

In the media, the mean girl is a caricature of collective behaviors. And while it may be more dramatized, the use of underhanded comments, passive aggression and snide remarks are things that everyone pulls from. Women, in particular, do this because we don't want to (and socially cannot) look difficult to work with. The aggression has to be covert, otherwise, an individual may look bad themself. Using mean girl behaviors can lend a hand to harming someone else while maintaining, or boosting another woman's perception of being easy-going or great to connect with.

Culturally Cute

Growing up, women are often told to 'just be nice'. Yet, nobody goes further to explain what that entails. Danielle Bayard Jackson asks the key question, "Is there room in our culture for a woman to be assertive?” So often women bite their tongues in fear of being seen as problematic, difficult to work with, overly emotional, and dismissed as overly emotional by their colleagues or peers. There are very few moments where women are allowed (or praised) to be visibly upset and/or straightforward with their issues. This can leave friendships that are unequipped and unprepared to deal with situations that require responsible conflict resolution. And those women resort to mean girl behaviors.

Here's Your Homework

Think about a recent time that you excluded someone on purpose, gossiped, or gave someone the silent treatment. Why did you do it? Get genuinely curious about your behavior. Were you feeling threatened? Were your feelings hurt? Did you enjoy doing it? Did you feel powerful?

Ultimately, women have to begin thinking critically about why some female friendships tend to operate this way, and what we can do to make better decisions. Danielle Bayard Jackson, your resident friendship expert, hopes this episode helped bring some behaviors to light. And don’t forget, #AskHerOutAlready is in full effect. We want to see those pictures and read the stories.