Cultural Perspective on Consenting to Unwanted Sex with Bat Sheva Marcus

Bat Sheva Marcus is a sex therapist in private practice. She was founder and served as clinical director of one of the largest sexual health centers in the US for 25 years. She is also the author of Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted.

Dr. Marcus immediately challenges our conventional understanding of sexual desire, suggesting that what we often label as "coercive sex" or "low desire" might actually stem from unrealistic expectations and misguided narratives. With refreshing directness, she proposes reframing how we think about sex entirely—comparing it to an exercise program rather than something driven by "magic pixie dust." Just as we don't always feel like going to the gym but usually feel better afterward, she argues that waiting for spontaneous desire might be sabotaging many relationships.

The discussion delves into fascinating territory when exploring Orthodox Jewish communities, where theoretical support for sexual pleasure clashes with practical pressures and expectations. Dr. Marcus shares eye-opening stories from her clinical practice, including a poignant example of a woman who believed sex needed to be a profound spiritual connection every time—"If every time you have sex, it had to be a Shabbat dinner, sometimes you just want a sandwich," Marcus quips, illustrating how our expectations can become burdens.

Perhaps most valuable are the three harmful narratives Dr. Marcus identifies that undermine healthy sexuality: expecting sex to be driven by spontaneous desire rather than conscious choice; believing you must be "relaxed and present" to enjoy sex (unrealistic for most busy adults); and expecting your partner to be what turns you on, rather than taking responsibility for your own arousal. By dismantling these misconceptions, she offers a path toward more satisfying sexual relationships based on choice, communication, and realistic expectations.

Whether you're struggling with desire discrepancies in your relationship or simply curious about the complex dynamics of consent, this episode provides thought-provoking perspectives that might transform how you think about sex. Share your thoughts with us—what narratives about sex have you found helpful or harmful in your own life?