The speaker has a pattern of pursuing unattainable partners, finding excitement in the pursuit instead of genuine connection.
The speaker struggles with self-worth and fears vulnerability, making it difficult for them to accept love and commitment.
Deep dives
Challenges with Commitment and Need for Serious Partnership
The podcast episode discusses the speaker's ongoing relationship struggles, particularly their on-and-off relationship with a woman they love. Despite desiring a more serious commitment, the speaker's partner is unable to provide it. Frustrated, the speaker decides to explore dating other people and quickly connects with an incredible woman who is also looking for a partner. However, the speaker finds themselves resorting to behaviors that make the new woman less available, as they believe it will increase their attraction. This pattern highlights the speaker's deeper issue of struggling to accept love and commitment.
Desire to Pursue Unavailable Partners and Resistance to Receiving Love
The episode delves into the speaker's history of pursuing unattainable partners, particularly due to their realization of being gay at a young age. The speaker's excitement and enjoyment come from the pursuit itself rather than actually being with the person. This pattern extends into adulthood, where the speaker finds it uncomfortable when someone likes them genuinely and without any convincing. The speaker believes that receiving love makes them vulnerable and fears that it's not really about them, but rather about the other person's curiosity.
Self-Worth, Internalized Beliefs, and the Journey of Self-Acceptance
The speaker reflects on their struggle with self-worth and internalized beliefs that affect their ability to accept love. They express a deep desire to present themselves as strong, competent, and lovable, but acknowledge that they don't truly feel or internalize those beliefs. The episode emphasizes the importance of choosing oneself and allowing others to choose them, highlighting the parallel process of self-acceptance and accepting love from others. The speaker expresses a newfound hope and commitment to changing their self-narrative and practicing being the person they aspire to be.
A woman in her 40s talks to Esther about a crossroads in her life. She has begun a relationship with a supportive and loving partner, but without the constant roller coaster of emotions she's used to, she wonders if there’s something missing. Or is there something wrong with her?
Esther Callings are a one-time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com.