How to Silence Your Inner Critic (and Why You Should) with Dr Kristin Neff #163
Mar 10, 2021
auto_awesome
In this engaging discussion, Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychology professor and co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, illuminates the transformative power of self-compassion. She outlines how it differs from self-esteem and emphasizes its role in emotional and physical well-being. Listeners learn practical ways to cultivate self-compassion, tackle their inner critic, and improve their relationship with food and body image. Kristin also addresses societal expectations around self-kindness, especially for caregivers, making self-compassion essential for everyone.
Self-compassion involves mindfulness, kindness, and interconnectedness, promoting growth and resilience.
Self-compassion is a powerful motivator for positive changes, balancing self-acceptance and personal growth.
Cultural and gender factors influence self-compassion, but it can be cultivated and learned regardless of societal conditioning.
Deep dives
The Power of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a crucial aspect of overall well-being, with numerous scientific studies supporting its benefits. It involves being mindful, kind, and understanding towards oneself, acknowledging struggles and imperfections without judgment. Unlike self-pity or self-indulgence, self-compassion is an active and mindful state that promotes growth and resilience. It helps decrease self-criticism, increase emotional and physical health, and improve relationships. Self-compassion involves three main elements: mindfulness, kindness, and a sense of interconnectedness. It is a skill that can be learned and cultivated, empowering individuals to treat themselves with love and support.
The Importance of Motivation in Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is often misunderstood as being solely accepting and complacent, but it also includes the motivation to change and improve. It provides a balanced approach between self-acceptance and personal growth. Research demonstrates that self-compassion is a powerful motivator, more effective than self-criticism or self-esteem, in achieving long-lasting positive changes. People who practice self-compassion are better able to face challenges, learn from failures, and have healthier relationships. The motivation that arises from self-compassion comes from a place of love and care, rather than fear or shame.
Cultural and Gender Influences on Self-Compassion
Cultural and gender factors play a significant role in shaping self-compassion. Cultural values and societal expectations may impact the level of self-compassion individuals possess. For example, societies that emphasize self-criticism or maintain strict gender roles may have lower levels of self-compassion. Women, in particular, may struggle with self-compassion more due to societal conditioning that prioritizes meeting the needs of others over their own. However, self-compassion can be cultivated and learned regardless of cultural or gender influences. It involves recognizing and challenging societal barriers, ensuring that personal needs and self-care are given equal importance.
Learning Self-Compassion and Empowering Change
Self-compassion is a skill that can be cultivated and learned, regardless of one's history or circumstances. Those who haven't experienced severe trauma can often learn self-compassion relatively quickly. Even those with significant trauma can still develop self-compassion through the right therapeutic approaches. Reparenting oneself with self-compassion involves consistently treating oneself with kindness, acceptance, and support. By giving oneself permission to be self-compassionate and practicing it consistently, individuals can learn to feel worthy and safe as they navigate life's challenges.
The Power of Being your own Best Parent
We have the ability to be the very best parents to ourselves. The idea is to identify the aspects in which our parents fell short and provide that for ourselves. It's important to have compassion for critical parents since they believe they are helping their child. However, research shows that being critical can lead to negative side effects. The third way is the authoritative parenting style, which combines boundaries and unconditional love. We can cultivate self-compassion by using language that feels comfortable, offering support and kindness to ourselves.
The Impact of Self-Compassion in Caregiving and Empathy
Self-compassion in the moment of stress and overwhelm can help caregivers regulate their own emotions and positively influence the emotions of those they care for. Self-compassion can also be expressed through touch, tone of voice, and visual connection. Various practices like journaling, meditation, letter writing, and mirror work can help cultivate self-compassion. The practice of self-compassion doesn't require extra time and can lead to increased self-care. It has been proven effective in reducing stress, depression, and burnout in healthcare workers.
CAUTION ADVISED: this podcast contains mild bad language and themes of an adult nature.
Today’s conversation is all about one of my favourite topics – compassion. But it’s not about compassion for others, it’s about compassion for ourselves and how this can lead to a happier and healthier life. Self-compassion is not only linked to better emotional health, it is important for our physical and mental health too. In fact, there are now over 3000 studies showing the amazing benefits of self-compassion on our wellbeing and my guest this week is one of the leading researchers in this area and along with several others, is responsible for putting self-compassion on the scientific map. Dr Kristin Neff is a professor at the University of Texas in the department of psychology. She’s co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion and the author of several best-selling books on the topic.
In our conversation, Kristin explains what self-compassion is and why it matters. She explains the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem. Self-compassion is not about making excuses for yourself nor is it about self-pity, instead, it is very much an active, mindful state. Now I know from my patients that the very notion of self-love can make a lot of people feel very uncomfortable. Kristin explains why this might be and shares many different ways we can give ourselves compassion. She recommends that people experiment and find a method that feels easy and pleasant for them.
We also talk about the ever-present problem of our brain’s ‘inner critic’ and how our parents influence the way we talk to ourselves. She also explains why self-compassion is most definitely not selfish, in fact, people who have it are kinder, more loving and less controlling of others.
Kristin also makes a key distinction between acts of self-care – such as taking a bath, having a massage – and self-compassion. She explains that self-compassion is actually a state of mind. It’s not something you have to do, it doesn’t take time or resources. It’s simply the opposite of being self-critical. It’s a way of thinking that has your own best interests at heart. But, this way of thinking doesn’t come naturally to us. As humans, we are hard-wired for self-criticism - it’s an evolutionary mechanism that makes us feel safe. But when navigating life, who do you want in your head: an enemy who belittles you or a friend who supports you?
At the end of our conversation today, Kristin takes us through a beautiful practical exercise in finding self-compassion that I think you will really enjoy. This is such an important topic that doesn’t get spoken about enough in the conversation around health – I hope you enjoy listening.
DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website.
Remember Everything You Learn from Podcasts
Save insights instantly, chat with episodes, and build lasting knowledge - all powered by AI.
