The first Trump-Biden debate is hours away, and pundits are predicting along punditry lines (Trump gonna Trump! Biden’s booster-packet will conk out midway!), including the only person to have debated both Trump and Biden opening a “What I’m watching for…” piece by telling us about the new Broadway play she’s producing.

But before we get to Hillary Rodham Clinton, we cite some odds out of Vegas, including whether the candidates will shake hands first, the length of Biden’s longest pause, and how many times Trump will say “rigged.”

Then it’s on to the evergreen topic of who is having sex with whom, or in this case, who’s not, unless it’s with a mythical creature with a four-foot long magical tongue and a dick the size of a Coke-can. Don’t ask, just listen.

Also discussed:

* The #1 new show on Netflix? Sarah’s in it!

* We love Jake Tapper

* Who we want to see storm the debate stage

* Competitive celibacy and the dick embargo

* Dear god, enough with the women-only utopia

* Yes, we do need people to have babies

Plus, Hair-flipping and booty-bumping, the time Sarah tried to edit Rick Springfield, and…

All of the above and more, when you become a paid subscriber.