302 Mark Groves: Create The Love

Oct 1, 2019

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When we connect to the truth that our partner can leave us at any moment, then it makes the power of choosing them and them choosing us a gift. - Mark Groves

How can you create the love you truly deserve in a relationship?

Wellness Force Radio Episode 302 Host of the Mark Groves Podcast: Making Your Heart Make Sense and Human Connection Specialist, Mark Groves, shares the three questions you should ask yourself when considering ending a relationship, explains the identity loss we sometimes face in relationships and uncovers why our journey towards greater self-love is not linear. Listen and discover the different love styles that exist when it comes to the world of dating and why great relationships happen by choice, not by fate.

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Listen To Episode 302 As Mark Groves Uncovers: [6:40] What Love Actually Is

Mark Groves' Instagram
Alan Watts
Organifi
David Deida
Why great relationships just don't happen and we need skills like communication to create the love we want. (7:40)
Dysfunction exists in every family but we have the opportunity to improve that structure and environment.
Our responsibility to break the cycle of patterns and inherited trauma in our families. (8:20)
The systems we have inherited that make it difficult for us to be good communicators and have healthy relationships.
Origins of marriage and the fact that it was not designed to come from a place of love but to get more in-laws.
Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage by Stephanie Coontz
Why he found that there's no better place to start creating than from heartbreak.
The relationship rock bottoms we will all face at one point or another to help us face deeper truths. (12:00)
Toxic relationships and patriarchy values that have been pushed on us by role models, the media, or religion that don't celebrate individuality. (13:20)
The current increase of divorce rate for people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s because women are waking up to the truth of their own experience and their need for an emotional connection with their partner.

[15:00] Embodying And Applying 'Create The Love'

Mark Groves Podcast: Making Your Heart Make Sense
The moment he realized that he wasn't sure if he wanted to follow through with marrying his ex-fiancée.
How breaking up with his fiancée led to the creation of Create The Love and coaching others about relationships.
Caroline Myss
Radical self-love he experienced when he chose himself for the first time and ended the engagement despite what others would think of him.
Why we're all just one rebellion away from becoming who were truly are when we make the conscious choice to make a major life decision. (17:20)
Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl
Viktor Frankl
The revelation he had that maybe he has another purpose on this planet than just being a provider in a relationship after reading Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl. (18:00)
Steps he took to let go and unlearn everything he had been taught from a young age about relationships in order to launch Create The Love.
Why it's hard for someone that is close to you to give you advice without thinking of how it will affect them.

[22:00] Should I End The Relationship? Three Questions To Ask Yourself

The three questions someone asked him that helped confirm it was time to end his engagement. (22:00)
An emotional charge he felt when woke up to the fact that he is responsible for his life and everything it including the people that are part of it.
His past fear of connection and being loved to the point that ran away from everybody who could love him and just called it "fate."
It's true that we can feel a lack of connection to other people but do you run from people who could care about you? (25:50)
Why it's healthy to feel a lot of pain and shame when you begin taking responsibility for your life and choices.
How to begin looking at the relationship patterns that already exist in your family tree to find out if you're in one now. (29:20)
Keeping true to yourself, believing that you're worthy of love, and being loyal to what you really want in a relationship with someone else.

[30:50] Common Relationship Patterns & Cycles

It Didn't Start with You by Mark Wolynn
Common relationship patterns and cycles that most people find themselves in such as not feeling like you're not a priority, being narcissistic, or thinking that everything is your fault.
Mark's own belief pattern that kept coming up in his dating life and relationships - "No one will ever choose me."
A lot of our wounds are not our fault but we still have to take action and be responsible for them. (34:40)
Eckhart Tolle
Why many people feel so much pain about their childhood that they believe they should have experienced a different one when really that belief is just a fantasy and they're not connected to reality.
Habits of spiritual bypassing when we focus on "just choosing love or positive vibes" and not accepting reality, all of our emotions, and authentic truth.
Digging into the truth and realizing that our false stories and beliefs are not serving us. (38:50)
Self-sabotaging habits when we make time for anything that is a distraction from doing the inner work and prioritizing ourselves.
Why we make it a habit of subcontracting all of our healing to our partners and expect them to make us happy when it's actually our responsibility to uncover our own joy.

[40:00] Relationship Revelations Of Modern Society

Everyday shame we're seeing about relationships in memes, the news, and real life.
Why some people stay in unhealthy relationships for far too long because of pressure from society, religion, or family.
The length of a relationship is not a predictor of actual relationship success even though society has made it out to be that way for decades.
The new shift of seeking relationship depth and prioritizing that over the amount of time we're in a relationship with other people.
Actual victories and milestones we should be celebrating in relationships other than just anniversaries. (41:30)
288 Greg Woodhill
055 Gay & Katie Hendricks

[44:00] Overcoming Porn Addiction & Other Obsessions

The work he has done with porn addicts and his approach to helping him.
An idea that if we remove the sex, it's actually the story that people are eroticizing when they watch porn.
His belief that all addiction is sourced from the need to distract from a feeling.
How to identify feelings that we're afraid of because we'll often try to save other people from them.
Steps we can take to move through addiction by first recognizing and accepting the truth that there is a problem. (45:00)
His own use of using drinking as a means to numb social anxiety and feel more comfortable talking to girls, deal with heartbreak, and forget his values.
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön
The Buddhist principle of the reframed explored in the book, When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön, and how to explore it with a coach or therapist.
Why we are naturally attracted to the things that hurt us the most especially as we are invited to heal.

[50:00] The Space Between Our Head And Our Heart

The greatest teachers and messengers in our lives and they don't necessarily have to have an academic background.
Letting Go by David R. Hawkins
Why many of us use manipulation as a coping strategy and just pretend to be vulnerable. (51:00)
How our past experiences and inner work today is setting us up for what we will receive in the future.
Josh's current focusing on giving more love without expecting to have something in return.
How to approach the conflict that comes up when what you what in life is different than your partner's.
What steps you can take to hold onto your authentic self and still be in love without co-dependency. (53:00)

[54:00] Don't Take Your Relationship For Granted

The radical truth that someone's partner can leave them at any moment which makes choosing them all the more powerful. (54:00)
In return, the privilege of being chosen should not be just washed away nor taking the other person for granted.
The problem with taking your partner for granted and not doing the work just because you're married and have a contract with them.
We can only love someone as much as we're willing to be hurt by them because every time we open up to someone, we're opening up further to pain.
How to be open, accept, and work with the darkest part of ourselves so that they no longer run our lives.
275 Paul Chek
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Loving Bravely by Alexandra H. Solomon
Tony Robbins
Abraham Hicks
Sheri Salata
Deepak Chopra
The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra
Russell Brand
Why we don't need all of these teachers, coaches, and wellness influencers' messages because they all remind us of who we are so that we don't need them.
Anywhere you're starting now in your wellness journey is the perfect place.
Steps to take to allow your own story to unfold without the influence of other people's stories, values, or opinions.
Kyle Cease
Live Out Loud Los Angeles
It can be scary when you start the process of trusting yourself again. (1:07:00)

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If you’re ready to smash through old barriers, let go of unhealthy choices (from food to sex to booze to relationships), establish clear boundaries, and step into the wholeness, love, and passion you deserve and desire, one-on-one coaching in a Mark Groves Create The Love coaching program might be just the tonic you’re seeking.

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Are you starting to question your relationship, who you are in your relationship, and how to determine whether you should stay or go? Are you just starting to explore why your past relationships haven’t lasted and ready to work through old negative relationship patterns so they don’t repeat? This program is for you.

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Are you struggling in your relationship? Are you looking for someone to shine a light on the potential blind spots? Do you want to move forward from a place of strength? Whether moving through a relationship or out of a relationship – this program is for you.

BREAKTHROUGH

Are you going through an intense transition, divorce, or dramatic shift in a relationship? Are your needs urgent? With this program, you will have increased access to me via email and 1-ON-1 coaching calls.

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The Mark Groves Podcast

Click here to listen to the Mark Groves Podcast

Mark Groves, a Human Connection Specialist, explores the complex world of relationships and connection. What underlies our connection with ourselves and others? Why do we show up the way we do in our romantic relationships, professional life, friendships, our own health and wellness and more? How do we maintain long term connections that thrive? Mark has a fun, no holds barred, no BS approach to exploring the human condition and the fundamentals of all our human connections.

Power Quotes From The Show

What To Do When Your Relationship Hits A Wall

"Is your partner making you a better human being? If they're not, there are some really good questions you should now ask yourself: Are they making you a worse human being? Do their values relate to your values? Do they have integrity and keep their word? Do you? Those are the questions I ask people when they've hit a wall in the relationship or they're complaining about their partner. The biggest factor of rejoining one's self is choosing yourself for the first time." - Mark Groves

Why Anniversaries Aren't A Relationship Success Indicator "We often hear from older generations that people don't take commitment seriously these days. Well, some people don't but some people who have didn't take it seriously or they had side issues back in the day. If we say that people leave relationships too early now, I'd like to put on the table that people stayed far too long in a relationship before. We make relationship length the predictor of relationship success and sure, that's one marker of it but as soon as you know anyone who hates each other who's together, it's kind of eroded the value of that number. Now, we're in this revolution where we seek relationship depth." - Mark Groves Taking Responsibility For Our Wounds

"A lot of our wounds are not our fault but they're our responsibility. We might not have been dealt the best hand in life but we can have the mindset that we're going to play these cards well. When we step into that space, then we're empowered." - Mark Groves

Links From Today's Show

About Mark Groves

Relationship expert Mark Groves believes great relationships don’t happen by accident; they happen by choice. He has made it his life’s mission to help people make choices and learn the skills that will lead to a lifetime of health and happiness. With a research-based approach to dating, Mark empowers people from all walks of life to take responsible steps toward living well. His passion and leadership shine in both one-on-one coaching sessions and workplace workshops where he inspires positive transformations in how people relate to one another. After years of studying and soul-searching, Mark Groves has become a sought-after expert in human connections, and now he shares impactful words of wisdom to men and women around the world.

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