#1251 - Raising Young Adult Males

In today’s Tricky Questions episode, Justin and Kylie answer Kim’s heartfelt question: How do we raise young adult males and stay connected when we don’t agree with their choices? Whether your son is 16 or 26, this episode is full of practical, compassionate advice about letting go of control, nurturing connection, and guiding your son’s journey into manhood without damaging the relationship.

KEY POINTS:

• Independence is the goal. Young men need to pull away to become their own person. This is healthy and expected development—not defiance.
• Connection > Control. Every attempt to correct or direct your young adult without enough relational “water in the bucket” weakens your influence. Prioritise staying close.
• Rites of passage matter. Boys don’t just “become men” by aging—they seek experiences to prove themselves. Without intentional guidance, they’ll create risky alternatives (like Schoolies, binge drinking, etc.).
• Defer respectfully. As children grow, parents should move from cocooning → reasoned cocooning → pre-arming → reasoned deference → full deference.
• Ask for consent to influence. If you want to share advice, first ask: “Are you open to hearing some ideas?” If the answer is no, focus on rebuilding connection.
• Your presence matters more than your opinion. The way you show up—without judgement, with genuine interest—determines whether your young adult wants to stay close or push away.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:

“If our relationship is a bucket, connection is the water. Correction and direction? That’s just air. And no one wants to carry an empty bucket.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• Happy Families School Membership: A resource hub for schools and parents seeking connection-based parenting support.
• Justin’s upcoming book on raising boys and young men (sign up now to hear all the details!)
• More on rites of passage from Dr Arne Rubinstein in the Bringing Up Boys Summit

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:

1. Step back from control. Accept that your child’s job is to grow away from you. Your job? Stay close enough that they still want to come back.
2. Check your relationship “bucket.” Before correcting or advising, ask: Is there enough connection here for this to be received well?
3. Use the deference ladder.
• Ages 0–7: Cocoon
• 8–13: Reasoned cocooning
• 13–15: Pre-arming
• 15–17: Reasoned deference
• 18+: Full deference with permission to advise
4. Build trust by asking permission. Instead of jumping in with opinions, say: “Would you be open to hearing a thought I have?”
5. Let them grow. Sometimes, encouraging your child to move out or take more responsibility is the healthiest path forward—even if it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable.

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