New York Times bestselling author Emily Nagoski discusses strategies for maintaining passion in long-term relationships, distinctions between desire and pleasure, impact of illness on intimacy, challenging societal norms through sex education, and the dual control mechanism in sexual response.
Successful couples prioritize pleasure and collaboration for sustained sexual connection.
Responsive desire involves intimacy-triggered arousal, contrasting with spontaneous sexual urges.
Emotional connection, authentic exploration, and pleasure over spark sustain long-term sexual connections.
Deep dives
Understanding Desire and Pleasure in Long-Term Relationships
Long-term relationships often face challenges when the initial spark fades. Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection focus on pleasure over spark. They actively collaborate to create and explore new pleasures together, fostering intimacy, authenticity, vulnerability, and empathy. Great sex is rooted in vulnerability and awareness of both partners' internal experiences.
Exploring Spontaneous and Responsive Desire
There are two main ways individuals experience sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire involves sudden sexual urges often triggered by external stimuli. In contrast, responsive desire emerges from a context of intimacy and connection, where arousal is initiated in response to a partnered setting or engagement.
Challenging Cultural Narratives and Embracing Pleasure
Cultural narratives often shame pleasure and portray sex as a sin or time-waster. These beliefs stem from historical traditions and societal norms. The desire imperative perpetuates the idea that maintaining a spark in relationships is crucial, yet successful couples prioritize pleasure, intimacy, communication, and mutual exploration of new pleasures. Fostering pleasure requires a shift in mindset and an emphasis on authentic connection and vulnerability.
Understanding Responsive Desire and Date Nights
Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure, unlike spontaneous desire which anticipates pleasure. Setting up a date night for intimacy is sometimes judged culturally inferior to spontaneous sex. However, scheduling specific time for intimacy can be a powerful expression of valuing one's relationship and pleasure, fostering anticipation and enjoyment.
Exploring Primary Process Emotions and Nurturing Connections
Primary process emotions include both pleasure favorable and pleasure adverse states. Engaging in lust, care, play, and seeking enhances connection and intimacy. Care, linked to attachment mechanisms, plays a significant role in human emotional bonding, fostering deep connections beyond romantic attraction. Prioritizing cuddling, valuing friendship, and authentic sexual exploration sustain strong long-term sexual connections, challenging societal norms around sexuality and emphasizing the importance of emotional connection.
New York Times bestselling, award-winning author and educator Emily Nagoski is one of the most exceptional minds at work today on the science of sexual connection, intimacy, and arousal. She joins to discuss her remarkable career and new book, “Come Together.”
