Ep 121: How to Transform Troublesome Boys

Gregory Koufacos, author of The Primal Method, joins us for a discussion on why simply talking to boys doesn’t work--and how parents can instead activate a strong bond with their teens to set them up for a thriving healthy adult life.

Full show notes

When kids are misbehaving or getting on your last nerve, it can be difficult not to sound like a broken record. Repeated cries of “come home on time” or “put down the controller and start your homework” can feel as though they are falling on deaf ears! Frustratingly, no matter how hard you try to get through to them, teenagers just don’t seem to listen.

This can become extra challenging when teens are partaking in behavior that is dangerous or harmful, or even illegal. Oftentimes, teens struggling with problems like substance abuse, self harm or addiction are especially likely to discard a parent’s pleas to change. If only there was another way to get through to kids, and make them realize there’s a better way to live.

To get some advice on helping teens improve their lives, we’re sitting down with Gregory Koufacos, author of The Primal Method: A Book for Emerging Men. Gregory has spent years as an addiction counselor and mentor for troubled teens, helping them see the path to recovery and happiness. His unconventional method towards mentoring young people might be just what you need to finally reach your teen.

Gregory’s mission is to help people understand the power of showing teens a better life, instead of just telling. He’s here to talk about how you can help kids truly build a positive future for themselves on a daily basis, instead of giving them advice that just falls flat. He also shares why it’s important to sometimes dish out some tough love, and the value of having a strong bond with your teen.

Getting Kids Engaged

You can have a million different talks with your teen to try to convince them that you know best, but you’re probably familiar with hearing a “yeah” or “ok” in response...and seeing nothing change! So how can you teach your teens a lesson that actually sticks?

In his work as an addiction counselor, Gregory often found himself hitting the same wall. Giving advice to patients in his clinic while they sat on the couch just wasn’t working, so one day he asked one of his clients to step outside with him. Once they were free from those four walls, out in the world, he realized there was a better, more interactive way to help kids get better.

From then on, he adopted a system of real world immersion in his practice. He brings kids along to try new things and experience life, and shows them the happiness that can come from healthier habits. Gregory leads his clients by example, and encourages parents to do the same. Are you skipping out on doing things that fulfill you like cooking or working out, because you’re busy nagging your kid or worrying about something you can’t control? Kids can see that, and it affects their perception of what life has to offer. The first step to helping kids discover happiness is showing them what it looks like.

Gregory believes that if you want kids to turn off the TV remote or get rid of the vape, you have to find something that helps them to enjoy life instead of seek distraction from it. It might not be easy–some kids might not be quick to share their interests or be vulnerable. However, once you catch on to a kid’s passion for surfing, dancing, writing, Gregory says to run with it. It can be so much more powerful than simply telling them to stop smoking or start working harder.

While it’s important to provide kids with positive reinforcement and encourage them to pursue passions, it can also be just as important to be tough on them. Gregory dives into when exactly it can be valuable to give teens a little bit of a harsher treatment.

The Significance of Tough Love

When teens are on the verge of giving up, Gregory stresses that they need someone to push them, not a parent who’s complicit in their choice to throw in the towel. When your son wants to play video games instead of studying for his final, he needs someone to challenge him to get rid of the controller and hit the books.

Now, this doesn’t mean that parents should abandon empathy, Gregory says. He argues that there is a time and place for both soft and tough love, and that both can be necessary. It’s like gardening. While it’s valuable for plants to have water and sunlight, they also need to be trimmed and monitored to stay healthy!

In the episode, Gregory tells the story of a patient who was seemingly a straight A student–or so he claimed. When Gregory dug a little deeper, he found that this student was actually barely scraping by. However, Gregory knew that this client wanted to be a straight A student, he just needed some tough love! He confronted the young man about the lie, challenging him, and then, using positive encouragement, guided him towards becoming a better student.

When it comes to helping teens prosper, balancing out empathetic love with emphatic love is tricky, but can work wonders. Before you can communicate words of encouragement or disdain however, you’ve got to form a sincere bond with your teen, Gregory says.

Creating a Close Bond with a Teen

One thing Gregory and I discuss in the episode is how parents are often asking the wrong questions, wondering: “When will my son start coming home on time?” or “When will my daughter start being honest with me about her alcohol use?”

Instead, Gregory suggests asking questions that prompt you to think about the nature of you and your teen’s relationship. How often do the two of you spend quality time? What’s an activity you guys might be able to do together? George emphasizes that oftentimes, the issues that plague kids are caused on some level by the lack of a positive parental relationship. George explains that if you can put in the time to form a strong bond with your teen, you’ll be better equipped to help them stay safe, happy and healthy.

Gregory also stresses the importance of knowing the difference between love and smothering. A lot of times, he meets parents who insist that they have strong, healthy connections to their children, when really they’re much too close and need to give kids some space. Gregory says not to worry, it’s normal to smother a bit, especially when teens are in a tough spot. In the episode, he shares some further advice for parents who worry they might be smothering.

While it can seem tricky to help a struggling teen snap out of their funk, Gregory’s got some thorough and enlightening advice in the episode. By showing kids that a happy life is possible, doling out tough love when needed, and making the time to forge a strong connection, you can ensure that your teen will make it through whatever tough spot they’re in.

Also in the Episode…

• Why it’s powerful to be vulnerable with your kids
• How to inspire creativity in teens
• Why mentorship for young people can be life-changing
• How different kinds of intelligence manifest in teens

Although you might be sick and tired of bossing your kid around, there are better ways to get through to them! If you enjoyed today’s episode, check out Gregory’s website velocitymembership.com, and don’t forget to subscribe!