Open and honest communication about the affair is crucial for rebuilding trust in the relationship.
Children should be shielded from adult conflicts and discussions about marital issues.
Asking difficult questions about the affair is necessary to uncover the truth and work towards repairing the relationship.
Deep dives
Importance of open communication and addressing the affair
In this episode, Scott writes to Dear Therapists about his marriage of 13 years, in which his wife had an affair. Eight months after separating, she wants to reconcile, but Scott struggles with trust issues. The therapists emphasize the importance of open communication and addressing the affair head-on. They advise Scott to have honest conversations with his wife, including asking difficult questions about the affair and their future together. They also recommend seeking the help of a therapist to navigate the process.
Protecting children from involvement in marital issues
Scott and his wife have involved their children in the marital issues, causing confusion and distress. The therapists stress the significance of shielding the children from adult conflicts and propose that Scott discuss with his wife the importance of keeping their issues private and resolving them directly. They encourage him to convey his discomfort with involving the children and gauge his wife's willingness to respect this boundary.
Getting to the truth and seeking couples therapy
The therapists advise Scott to ask his wife specific and difficult questions about the affair, encouraging open and honest communication. They emphasize the importance of getting to the truth and not avoiding uncomfortable conversations. They also recommend finding a couples therapist and urging his wife to take an active role in selecting and scheduling therapy sessions. This step is seen as crucial for creating a safe space and working towards repairing the relationship.
Difficulties and Inappropriate Communication
The episode explores the challenges in the marriage where the wife felt that the only way she could express her true feelings and be heard was by confiding in their child, which was inappropriate. The husband initially wanted to make the marriage work without acknowledging other options. They went through the first stages of divorce but eventually got back together. However, the husband was unsure if the wife's heart was truly behind the decision.
Lack of Trust and Uncertain Motivations
The husband confronted the wife with difficult questions about her actions during the affair. The wife admitted to kissing the other man, but her key motivations for returning to the marriage were focused on the well-being of the children rather than a desire to be with the husband. The wife expressed reluctance towards therapy, and the husband recognized that they need to address deeper issues and build trust in order to truly repair the marriage.
Hey, Fellow Travelers. After Scott discovered his wife's affair, he wanted to save their marriage and was heartbroken when she wanted a divorce. But months later, much to Scott'ssurprise, his wife asked to come back. Now that they're together again, Scott is struggling to trust her, and we help him to ask the hard questions that he's been afraid to address.
If you have a dilemma you’d like to discuss with us—big or small—email us at LoriAndGuy@iHeartMedia.com.
