#692 - Connor Beaton - Why Are Young Men Struggling So Much?
Oct 12, 2023
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Connor Beaton, a men’s life coach and founder of ManTalks, dives into the struggles modern young men face. He challenges the notion that vulnerability is a straightforward remedy for mental health issues. The conversation explores the misconceptions surrounding male emotions, the impact of fatherlessness, and the importance of deep friendships. Connor advocates for open dialogue, mentorship, and understanding the nuanced pressures of masculinity, emphasizing that addressing these issues is crucial for personal growth and emotional well-being.
Suppressing emotions and avoiding vulnerability can negatively impact men's mental health and overall well-being.
The competition among men can breed insecurity, lack of trust, and hinder deep connections and relationships.
Encouraging men to be vulnerable without addressing systemic challenges falls short of addressing the full scope of men's struggles.
The absence of strong male role models and mentors perpetuates isolation and leaves many young men feeling lost and unsupported.
Deep dives
The Rule of Men: Silence in the Face of Struggle
The one rule of men is to not talk about their struggles or suffering. Men are often discouraged from opening up and sharing their emotions, leading to a suppression of their pain, anger, anxiety, and grief. This rule is deeply ingrained in society and can be traced back to societal expectations of strength and stoicism. However, this mentality can lead to a breaking point and a feeling that things won't change until they hit rock bottom. The culture of suppressing emotions and avoiding vulnerability creates a strong internal resistance that works against a man's well-being.
The Burden of Competition
The competition among men is often unconscious and driven by a desire to establish status and hierarchy. Men constantly compare themselves to others, both in materialistic aspects like appearance and possessions, as well as in areas like career success or physical strength. This competitive mindset, while having some adaptive benefits, can also breed insecurity and a lack of trust among men. The competition can extend into relationships, which makes it difficult for men to open up and create deep connections. The pressure to prove oneself and be seen as strong can have detrimental effects on mental health and overall well-being.
The Myth of Male Vulnerability
There is a societal myth that men's problems will be solved if they simply open up and become more vulnerable. However, the reality is far more complex. Men face challenges when expressing their vulnerability, as they may be met with negative reactions or labeled as weak. Opening up to the wrong person or at the wrong time can have consequences and strain relationships. Additionally, the societal narrative of male vulnerability often overlooks the broader structural issues that men face, such as the judicial system or societal expectations. Simply encouraging men to be vulnerable without addressing these systemic challenges falls short of addressing the full scope of men's struggles.
The Vacancy of Mentorship and Role Models
Many young men today lack strong male role models and mentors in their lives. The absence of older men who can model healthy relationships, emotional expression, and resilience compounds the challenges faced by young men. Without mentors and initiatory experiences, young boys struggle to navigate their own emotions and learn how to deal with power, aggression, anger, and other masculine qualities. This absence perpetuates a cycle of isolation and leaves many young men feeling lost and unsupported. The need for positive male role models and mentorship programs is crucial for addressing the unique challenges faced by young men today.
Confronting the Shadow and Seeking Support
One important step for men is to confront their own shadow, the parts of themselves they don't like or want others to know about. This entails admitting and confessing their insecurities, fears, and past mistakes. Finding a supportive community such as therapy, men's groups, or mentorship can help men navigate this process. The foundation of healing and transformation lies in breaking the first rule of men, which is not talking about their struggles. By confronting and working through these challenges in the presence of others, men can develop psychological resilience, confidence, and a greater sense of self.
The Erosion of Clarity and Confusion in Masculinity
Confusion is toxic to masculinity, eroding assuredness, clarity, and a sense of direction. The current cultural landscape often confuses men by bombarding them with conflicting narratives. While women may desire men to be sexually dominant in the bedroom, societal expectations and fears complicate this aspect of masculinity. Men face the challenge of tempering their aggression while navigating minefields of consent and cultural expectations. The pressure to perform sexually adds to the anxiety and performance anxiety that many men experience. The confusion and conflicting messages can lead to a loss of masculinity's potency and clarity.
Taking Tactical Steps towards Vulnerability and Emotional Openness
To cultivate vulnerability and emotional openness, it is crucial to find a safe space to confide and share one's struggles. This space can be a therapist, psychologist, or men's group, where men can break the first rule of silence and admit their challenges. It is essential to connect with mentors and role models who can offer guidance and support through shared experiences. Replacing maladaptive coping mechanisms with generative habits is another effective strategy. By trading unhealthy behaviors for positive ones, men can develop competence, self-esteem, and a sense of capability. Building self-trust is pivotal by following through on commitments and aligning actions with personal values.
Connor Beaton is a men’s life coach, founder of ManTalks and an author focusing on men’s wellness and personal growth.
Men are often told that their problems would be fixed if they stopped being so stoic. If only they ceased hiding their emotions and started being more vulnerable, their mental health would improve. But is this actually the case? Does the world actually want vulnerable men?
Expect to learn whether men actually can show their vulnerability to the world, why a man’s pain is so important for his growth, whether modern therapy is failing men, why men have so many surface level relationships, how men can embrace anger and take back control of their minds, why so many men gauge their worth on how their business and relationship are doing, and much more...
