#219 How to Have More Sex and Better Intimacy - with Sex Therapist Ian Kerner, PhD
Apr 13, 2021
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Ian Kerner, PhD, a sex therapist and author, joins the hosts to talk about uncovering couple's repetitive sex scripts through discussing the last time they had sex. He shares tips on rewriting old sex scripts for better intimacy and more sex. The hosts also address a sex question about helping a wife achieve orgasm. They discuss the importance of communication, trying new things, and using toys to enhance pleasure. The podcast covers topics such as factors affecting arousal, finding sex coaches, breaking free from sex scripts, and incorporating presence and arousal into sex life.
Couples should rewrite their sex scripts to explore outer course activities for more pleasure and connection.
Psychological arousal is just as important as physical touch in achieving sexual satisfaction.
Engaging in side-by-side activities and building rhythmic entrainment can deepen intimacy and enjoyment in sexual experiences.
Deep dives
The Importance of Rewriting Sex Scripts
One of the main insights discussed in the podcast episode is the significance of rewriting sex scripts in order to improve sexual experiences. The speaker emphasizes that many couples rely heavily on intercourse, which can create pressure and performance anxiety. Instead, the focus should shift towards exploring a variety of behaviors and combinations, known as outer course, that can enhance pleasure and connection. By breaking free from societal norms and embracing erotic creativity, couples can experience more fulfilling and enjoyable sex.
The Role of Psychological Arousal in Pleasure
The podcast highlights the importance of psychological arousal in enhancing sexual experiences. The speaker mentions that psychological stimulation can be just as crucial as physical touch in achieving sexual satisfaction. By engaging in open and honest conversations about fantasies and desires, individuals and couples can create a more expansive and exciting sex script. Suggestions such as reading erotic literature, exploring ethical porn together, and listening to sexual podcasts are provided as potential homework assignments to foster psychological arousal.
Embracing Side-by-Side Psychological Arousal
The episode discusses the value of side-by-side psychological arousal, which involves engaging in sexual experiences while maintaining a sense of presence and connection. The speaker emphasizes the importance of rhythmic entrainment, where partners share a synchronized frequency of pleasure. Building a sex script that includes side-by-side activities such as reading erotic materials together or exploring new forms of stimulation can help couples create a deeper sense of intimacy and enjoyment.
Challenging the Intercourse Discourse
The podcast challenges the notion that intercourse is the central focus of sexual experiences. The speaker encourages individuals and couples to move away from a limited perspective on sex that overvalues penetrative intercourse. Instead, the focus should be on pleasure, connection, and the exploration of outer course activities. By embracing a wider range of behaviors and redefining a healthy sex script, couples can experience more pleasure, reduce performance anxiety, and foster greater sexual satisfaction.
Parting Advice and Book Information
Listeners are encouraged to pre-order the speaker's book, 'So Tell Me About The Last Time You Had Sex,' which provides comprehensive insights, techniques, and homework assignments to enhance sexual experiences. The speaker recommends mindfulness and being present during sexual encounters, emphasizing the importance of turning off anxious thoughts and staying in the flow. Finally, the audience is invited to visit the speaker's website and reach out for further support or to ask questions.
Ian Kerner, PhD, joins us to talk about why he asks all of his clients the question, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex (also the title of his new book), and how this question helps uncover couple's repetitive sex scripts. He also shares tips on how to re-write old sex scripts for more sex and better intimacy, as well as ways to "turn off" to really turn on.
We also answer a sex question: My wife has never had an orgasm. How can I help her achieve one + open up more sexually?
Ian Kerner is a licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex therapy, couples therapy, and working with individuals on a range of relational issues. He is also the New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First and many more, including his latest book So Tell Me About The Last Time You Had Sex, helping couples achieve more intimacy and better sex. He is a Clinical Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists; certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (where he also sits on the board); the Society for Sex Therapy and Research; and the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy. To learn more visit iankerner.com
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