Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive 123: Maternal Ambivalence: What it is, and what to do about it
Nov 1, 2020
53:01
Parenting brings unconditional love and fulfillment, but what happens when those feelings mix with frustration, exhaustion, and even regret?
In this episode, I speak with Dr. Sarah LaChance Adams, expert in feminist philosophy and maternal ethics, to explore maternal ambivalence - those complex, conflicting emotions many parents experience but rarely discuss openly. Dr. Adams is the author of Mad mothers, bad mothers, and what a "Good" mother would do: The ethics of ambivalence.
Links to resources and ideas discussed in this episode:
Jump to highlights 05:03 Maternal ambivalence is, having extreme emotional conflict in one’s feelings towards my [one’s] children. Dealing with intense love and sometimes intense hate, the needs to be very intimate and close to one’s children or one’s child, but also to have a sense that one needs to get distance to have strong feelings. 08:34 I’m thinking about Bell Hooks’ work, and she had said, “but had Black women voiced their own views on motherhood, it would not have been named a serious obstacle to our freedom as women, racism, availability of jobs, lack of skills, or education would have been top of the list, but not motherhood.” I’m wondering, is maternal ambivalence a middle-class, White phenomenon? Or do you see it in other places as well? 11:27 If a woman lives in a culture where there’s an intense romanticization of the mother-child relationship, and she feels that she can’t express any kind of conflicted emotion at all. And then when you have these things piling on top of each other, then you start to see it gets more and more and more intensified. The more these things compound, the less a woman is able to reflect on these emotions, think about them, share them get relief, get that kind of distance that the feelings are telling her. 15:41 The idea that maybe, just maybe, this whole guilt thing and the whole ambivalence thing is a product of our culture, where, on one hand, women are required to be these productive citizens who contribute to the capitalist economy, and on the other hand, were supposed to give our all to our child and mother intensively. 18:34 One thing I want to really draw out here is the idea that women ourselves are very often the ones that police this. It’s sort of like patriarchy, it’s not just men saying, well, this is your role, and this is what you’re going to do. Women are just as responsible for the socialization of this idea. 20:54 “How could you say that you don’t love being a mother at every moment?” And I think I mean, you’re already stating the solution, you know, we have these brave women coming forward, saying that they don’t always love it. 29:18 She [Simone de Beauvoir] writes about devotion and the devotion of the mother, and how this can be a very twisted thing and how, oftentimes, mother’s devotion is really something that can be very awful for herself and her child because it can be a replacement for her having anything else in her life. And it can become a sort of twisted obligation for both of them. And, you know, a sort of martyrdom… References Collins, Patricia Hill. 1993. The meaning of motherhood in Black culture and Black mother–daughter relationships. In Double stitch: Black women write about mothers and daughters, ed. Patricia Bell-Scott, Beverly Guy-Sheftall, Jacqueline Jones Royster, Janet Sims-Wood, Miriam DeCosta-Willis, and Lucie Fultz. New York: Harper Perennial.
Gubi, P.M. & Chapman, E. (2019). An exploration of the ways in which feelings of ‘maternal ambivalence affect some women. Crisis and Loss. Retreived from: https://chesterrep.openrepository.com/bitstream/handle/10034/622560/Full%20text%20Maternal%20Ambivalence%20research%20paper.pdf?sequence=3
Henderson, S. (2018). The blurring effect: An exploration of maternal instinct and ambivalence. Unpublished Master of Arts by Research thesis, Kent, UK: University of Kent. Retrieved from: https://kar.kent.ac.uk/66794/1/211The%20Blurring%20Effect%20An%20Exploration%20of%20Maternal%20Instinct%20and%20Ambivalence.pdf
Henderson, A., Harmon, S., & Newman, H. (2016). The price mothers pay, even when they are not buying it: Mental health consequence of idealized motherhood. Sex Roles 74, 512-526.
hooks, bell. 1990. Homeplace: A site of resistance. In Yearning: Race, gender, and cultural politics. Boston: South End Books.
LaChance Adams, S. (2014). Mad mothers, bad mothers, & what a ‘good’ mother would do: The ethics of ambivalence. New York, NY: Columbia University Press.
LaCance Adams, S., Cassidy, T., & Hogan, S. (Eds). The maternal tug: Ambivalence, identity, and agency. Branford, ON: Demeter.
Newman, H.D., & Henderon, A.C. (2014). The modern mystique: Institutional mediation of hegemonic motherhood. Sociological Inquiry 84(3), 472-491.
Rich, A. (1994). Of woman born: Motherhood as an experience and institution. New York, NY: Norton.
Takseva, T. (2017). Mother love, maternal ambivalence, and the possibility of empowered mothering. Hypatia 32(1), 152-168.
What Is Maternal Ambivalence?
As Dr. LaChance Adams explains, drawing from Adrienne Rich's heartbreaking and beautiful description: "Maternal ambivalence is having extreme emotional conflict in one's feelings towards one's children - dealing with intense love and sometimes intense hate, the needs to be very intimate and close to one's children, but also to have a sense that one needs distance." This complex experience involves both wanting to be near your child and sometimes feeling an urgent need to "get as far as one can from one's child." What makes maternal ambivalence particularly complicated is that it's not just about feelings toward a separate being. There's also a profound sense of self-estrangement because mothers often feel their children are integral to their own identity. As Dr. LaChance Adams notes, "In this sense of struggle, she's also in a struggle with herself and who she feels she is most intimately and deeply." This episode builds on our recent conversations with Dr. Moira Mikolajczak on Parental Burnout and with Dr. Susan Pollak on Self-Compassion, exploring how we can love our children dearly while feeling torn between that love and our parental role that often requires putting our own needs aside.Questions this episode will answer
Is it normal to feel love and resentment toward my child at the same time? The podcast breaks down what maternal ambivalence means. It's a back-and-forth feeling between deep love and occasional resentment that many mothers feel but rarely talk about. Dr. LaChance Adams explains why these opposite feelings happen together and why they're a normal part of being a parent. You'll also learn how accepting these feelings might make your relationship with your child stronger. How do gender, race, and socioeconomic status shape the experience of maternal ambivalence? The episode looks at how maternal ambivalence might be different based on your background. It questions whether this is mainly "a middle-class, white phenomenon." We explore Bell Hooks' view that motherhood wasn't seen as the main obstacle for Black women historically. These mixed feelings may show up differently across racial and economic groups. How does societal pressure shape maternal ambivalence? The episode explains why our society makes these mixed feelings seem shameful instead of normal. Speaking up about them could change how you parent. What role do cultural expectations and intensive parenting play in shaping parental guilt?We discuss how society's view of total motherly devotion can become "twisted" and hurt both mothers and children. Modern parenting culture expects mothers to always put their children first, at the cost of their own identity. Listen to understand why you might feel guilty and what you can do about it. How can parents navigate these conflicting emotions in a healthy way? The episode provides both big-picture and personal strategies for dealing with maternal ambivalence. We build on earlier episodes about parental burnout and self-compassion. Discover practical ways to accept all your parenting feelings without shame. These mixed feelings don't have to create guilt and shame. They can form the foundation of a close connection with your child.What you’ll learn in this episode
Discover why maternal ambivalence creates an emotional tug-of-war that goes beyond occasional frustration Maternal ambivalence isn't just feeling tired or annoyed sometimes—it's that deep emotional conflict where you love your child intensely while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed or even resentful. Dr. LaChance Adams explains this powerful contradiction many mothers experience, where you might desperately want your child's bedtime to arrive while also missing them terribly once they're asleep. The podcast dives into why these opposing feelings create such inner turmoil for parents and how understanding this tension is the first step toward parenting with greater peace and authenticity. We unpack the impact of impossible standards on parental identity and self-worth When society expects perfect motherhood—always patient, always present, always fulfilled by caregiving—it creates a crushing weight on parents' mental health. The episode explores how these unrealistic expectations force many mothers to put their needs "on the back burner," leading to a gradual loss of identity. You'll learn how intensive parenting culture undermines parents' confidence, why the undervaluing of caregiving work affects how mothers see themselves, and practical ways to rebuild your sense of self while still being the parent your child needs. Learn how maternal ambivalence looks different across parents from different backgrounds The podcast examines Bell Hooks' important insight that for Black women historically, "motherhood would not have been named a serious obstacle to our freedom"—unlike how it's often framed in white, middle-class discussions. You'll discover how factors like race, economic status, and cultural background shape how parents experience and express these mixed feelings about parenthood. The episode challenges the one-size-fits-all approach to understanding parental emotions and offers perspectives that may better reflect your own unique experience. Discover why parents often keep these mixed feelings hidden and how this silence makes things worse. When mothers in online groups admit they're struggling with parenthood, they're often met with judgment instead of support. The podcast explores why this silencing happens and why breaking this silence is actually the solution. You'll learn how shame around maternal ambivalence creates a dangerous cycle that increases parental stress and guilt, and how honest conversations about these normal feelings can create supportive communities where real parenting challenges can be addressed together. Move past the limiting idea that self-care is just about "being a better parent." The episode challenges the common message that mothers should take care of themselves only so they can be "better parents." Instead, it explores how mothers deserve to maintain their identity and meet their needs simply because they are human beings with inherent worth beyond their parenting role. You'll discover a more empowering approach to balancing your needs with your child's, practical ways to reclaim parts of yourself that parenting has pushed aside, and how this authentic approach actually creates healthier parent-child relationships in the long run.Dr. LaChance Adams’ books:
- Mad Mothers, Bad Mothers, and What a ‘Good’ Mother Would Do: The Ethics of Ambivalence
- The Maternal Tug: Ambivalence, Identity and Agency
Links to resources and ideas discussed in this episode:
- Nikesha Elise Williams
- Mierle Laderman Ukeles
- Hegel’s Dialectic / Speculative Method
- Martin Heidegger’s concept of Befindlichkeit / “how you find yourself in the world”
- Maurice Merleau-Ponty
Jump to highlights 05:03 Maternal ambivalence is, having extreme emotional conflict in one’s feelings towards my [one’s] children. Dealing with intense love and sometimes intense hate, the needs to be very intimate and close to one’s children or one’s child, but also to have a sense that one needs to get distance to have strong feelings. 08:34 I’m thinking about Bell Hooks’ work, and she had said, “but had Black women voiced their own views on motherhood, it would not have been named a serious obstacle to our freedom as women, racism, availability of jobs, lack of skills, or education would have been top of the list, but not motherhood.” I’m wondering, is maternal ambivalence a middle-class, White phenomenon? Or do you see it in other places as well? 11:27 If a woman lives in a culture where there’s an intense romanticization of the mother-child relationship, and she feels that she can’t express any kind of conflicted emotion at all. And then when you have these things piling on top of each other, then you start to see it gets more and more and more intensified. The more these things compound, the less a woman is able to reflect on these emotions, think about them, share them get relief, get that kind of distance that the feelings are telling her. 15:41 The idea that maybe, just maybe, this whole guilt thing and the whole ambivalence thing is a product of our culture, where, on one hand, women are required to be these productive citizens who contribute to the capitalist economy, and on the other hand, were supposed to give our all to our child and mother intensively. 18:34 One thing I want to really draw out here is the idea that women ourselves are very often the ones that police this. It’s sort of like patriarchy, it’s not just men saying, well, this is your role, and this is what you’re going to do. Women are just as responsible for the socialization of this idea. 20:54 “How could you say that you don’t love being a mother at every moment?” And I think I mean, you’re already stating the solution, you know, we have these brave women coming forward, saying that they don’t always love it. 29:18 She [Simone de Beauvoir] writes about devotion and the devotion of the mother, and how this can be a very twisted thing and how, oftentimes, mother’s devotion is really something that can be very awful for herself and her child because it can be a replacement for her having anything else in her life. And it can become a sort of twisted obligation for both of them. And, you know, a sort of martyrdom… References Collins, Patricia Hill. 1993. The meaning of motherhood in Black culture and Black mother–daughter relationships. In Double stitch: Black women write about mothers and daughters, ed. Patricia Bell-Scott, Beverly Guy-Sheftall, Jacqueline Jones Royster, Janet Sims-Wood, Miriam DeCosta-Willis, and Lucie Fultz. New York: Harper Perennial.
Gubi, P.M. & Chapman, E. (2019). An exploration of the ways in which feelings of ‘maternal ambivalence affect some women. Crisis and Loss. Retreived from: https://chesterrep.openrepository.com/bitstream/handle/10034/622560/Full%20text%20Maternal%20Ambivalence%20research%20paper.pdf?sequence=3
Henderson, S. (2018). The blurring effect: An exploration of maternal instinct and ambivalence. Unpublished Master of Arts by Research thesis, Kent, UK: University of Kent. Retrieved from: https://kar.kent.ac.uk/66794/1/211The%20Blurring%20Effect%20An%20Exploration%20of%20Maternal%20Instinct%20and%20Ambivalence.pdf
Henderson, A., Harmon, S., & Newman, H. (2016). The price mothers pay, even when they are not buying it: Mental health consequence of idealized motherhood. Sex Roles 74, 512-526.
hooks, bell. 1990. Homeplace: A site of resistance. In Yearning: Race, gender, and cultural politics. Boston: South End Books.
LaChance Adams, S. (2014). Mad mothers, bad mothers, & what a ‘good’ mother would do: The ethics of ambivalence. New York, NY: Columbia University Press.
LaCance Adams, S., Cassidy, T., & Hogan, S. (Eds). The maternal tug: Ambivalence, identity, and agency. Branford, ON: Demeter.
Newman, H.D., & Henderon, A.C. (2014). The modern mystique: Institutional mediation of hegemonic motherhood. Sociological Inquiry 84(3), 472-491.
Rich, A. (1994). Of woman born: Motherhood as an experience and institution. New York, NY: Norton.
Takseva, T. (2017). Mother love, maternal ambivalence, and the possibility of empowered mothering. Hypatia 32(1), 152-168.