The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma} EP 246: Helping Kids Tolerate Shame and Talk about Mistakes
Dec 2, 2025
Discover why some kids struggle to discuss their mistakes and how this behavior is often a protective mechanism rather than defiance. Unpack the neuroscience behind shame and memory, and learn practical strategies to foster open conversations. Find out how storytelling and modeling can help children express their feelings and reduce fear of intense emotions. The importance of building a supportive family culture for emotional regulation also shines through, emphasizing that repair is possible when approached with connection.
AI Snips
Chapters
Books
Transcript
Episode notes
Memory Reactivation Floods Feeling Systems
- Revisiting a past mistake reactivates the whole memory network, including feelings and bodily sensations.
- If that network isn't integrated, reactivation can flood the child and trigger protective responses.
Shame Hides Behind Blame And Attack
- Shame often underlies avoidant or attacking behaviors even when it isn't obvious.
- The nervous system may defend against shame by turning to blame or watchdog energy.
Owl Brain Enables Guilt And Repair
- A strong 'owl brain' (prefrontal regulation) is needed to feel guilt and repair relationships.
- Without it, guilt floods and the watchdog or possum (defense) takes over instead of repair.
