#18 - Cathan Kabrelian on Compassionate Communication with Ourselves and Others

In this episode of The Learning and Performance Podcast, I speak with the late Cathan Kabrelian, a leading expert in compassionate communication. Cathan was a trainer, speaker, retreat leader, and mentor, known for integrating compassionate communication into a wide range of fields, from education to corporate environments. Through her work as a trauma-informed Needs-Awareness Trainer, Certified Mindfulness Instructor, and Breath Coach, Cathan brought a unique depth to understanding and teaching not only effective communication skills but the self-awareness skills to transform conversations and relationships at work, at home, and in all those third spaces. Together, Cathan and I discussed why compassionate communication matters and how you can use it to live a more self-aware, wonderful, and connected life.

Key Topics

In the conversation, we hit on a number of interesting topics relevant to learning and performance, including:

• What is compassionate or non-violent communication, and why is it important
• The importance of feelings and needs awareness to life and relationships
• The OFNR framework of observation, feelings, needs, requests
• How to translate thoughts and judgments into needs
• Feelings as a “radar” for detecting what we need
• Shifting from blaming others to identifying our own values and needs
• Why self-connection is necessary to connect with others
• Three ways to navigate challenging feelings
• Two ways to practice compassionate communication - formal and real-life
• Using compassionate communication at work
• And much more...

Learn More About Cathan and NVC

• Cathan's website
• In Loving Memory
• NVC by Marshall Rosenberg
• New York Center for NVC
• The Compassion Course by Thom Bond and team

Notes,Mentions, and Resources

• Identity - not just WHO we are or WHAT we do or believe but HOW we are
• Performance - achieving tasks towards a goal with creativity, skill, and compassionate consideration of needs
• Learning - understanding something better than we did before
• Learning-Performance "Loops" - Learn, Practice, Perform.
• Compassionate/Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
• Needs awareness
• Non-Violent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg
• OFNR Framework - Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests
• Observations - what we notice about ourselves, others, and the world
• Feelings - sensations stimulated by met or unmet needs
• Needs - universal life impulses; drivers of actions
• Requests/Strategies - ways to meet our needs
• Compassion Course Online
• The Compassion Book by Thom Bond
• NY Center for NVC (NYCNVC)
• Effective practice is intentional, focused, aware
• Translating Judgments Practice - translating judgments into feelings and needs/values
• Shifting from judgment and blaming to connection, curiosity, and compassion
• Principle - everything we do we do to meet a need or value
• Feelings as "radar" for needs, not something to fear or push away
• Applying NVC at work - values and what matters>needs; focusing on individual self-connection leads to more curiosity, compassion, and connection with co-workers
• It doesn't take two to change a conversation, only one
• Dealing with difficult feelings by connecting to met/unmet needs - (1) notice judgments/resistance/thinking, (2) tune into body sensations, (3) identify what you want/need and embody it, (4) think of a strategy to meet the needs
• Feelings and Needs list
• Study by Brene Brown on average number of feelings of Americans
• Self-connect first to connect with others second
• Two types of practice for showing up better - formal and integrative/IRL
• Cathan's website - Compassionate Thriving
• Types of Judgments - Value judgments, preferences, assessments vs. moralistic judgments
• High performance in life = showing up authentically and connecting with others
• Mindfulness
• Somatic experiencing and breathwork
• Compassion vs. empathy