Focus On Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child With Guest Dale Rubury

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live.  This is a conversation between Leslie and her daughter, Dale. It focuses on the topic of raising a responsible child versus an obedient child.  We all want children who listen to us. But it's not as simple as telling our children what to do, and expecting them to do it. In today’s conversation, Leslie will help us define the difference between these two ideas. Dale and Leslie explore these ideas in her childhood and reflect on the value of these principles in her adult life

Dale Rubury is Leslie’s daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today’s guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. 

Time Stamps
4:08 The dangerous side of raising an obedient child that you don’t always think about.

4:48 Raising a responsible child means raising a “thinking child”

5:55 Using the line “I see that you are practicing being a teenager” when teens talk back to their parents

7:30 Powering over your child vs giving your child “personal power”

9:42  Engage your child in the process of chores to increase and motivation cooperation

10:30  the importance of giving children choices and loosening the reins to allow for more freedom and autonomy in their daily responsibilities.

11:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury suggests giving children more risks to take to make them feel capable and confident, which leads to increased cooperation.

15:10 In order to foster cooperation, let your child take more risks. More capable more confident  which leads to be more cooperative 

20:55 Balancing limits for the child and respect for the child

23:45 Complaining is a secondary problem to doing the chore.  Instead MAINTAIN YOUR FOCUS on what you are asking your child to do.

24:50 Use the paradoxical statement “It looks like you need more practice doing the dishes”  when your child is complaining. 

27:25 Raising an obedient child means you may end up with a selfish child who uses victim language

27:55 Raising an obedient child ends up feeling smaller vs raising a responsible child helps to empower the child

29:00 How power struggles develop between parent and child

32:22 Are you coddling your child?  Do you think you are giving in to your child?  

37:25 What it sounds like when you as the parent start defending yourself

37:55 Brief description of the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skill of check the facts 

38:43 One interpretation of when your teen questions adults is to be grateful that you are raising a “thinking” individual

Show Links:

• Handout of comparing Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient Child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism:  Raising responsible children who think for themselves is more important