Psychologists Off the Clock 408. Connecting Like a Hostage Negotiator with Gary Noesner
What if the ability to negotiate with a hostage-taker was also a skill that could improve relationships in everyday life?
Gary Noesner, who is a former FBI chief negotiator and author of 'Stalling for Time,' which deep dives into his experiences and the lessons he's learned about human nature and effective communication over his 30-year career, joins Yael for this episode.
You’ll hear how patience, empathy, and active listening aren't just crisis tools; they're essential for everyday connection too.
Gary also reflects on the evolution of negotiation tactics, the significance of emotional control, and the value of building genuine relationships.
Listen and Learn:
- How active listening transformed hostage negotiation, from trading demands to truly hearing the pain beneath
- Why most hostage-takers aren’t criminals but people in crisis, and how listening changes everything
- How sitting with uncertainty and leading with empathy defuses crises more than force ever could
- Why slowing down negotiations and investing in human understanding can save lives in high-stakes crises
- Understanding even the most difficult people can defuse conflict and open the door to real influence
- The Waco Siege and how it exposed a clash of FBI strategies and what it taught us about negotiation, power, and restraint
- What strategies do elite negotiators use to maintain composure in high-pressure situations and handle their emotions without assuming undue responsibility?
- How humility, likability, and relationship-building can defuse conflict at home, work, or in crisis
Resources:
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Yael’s newsletter post about connecting like a hostage negotiator
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Kate Murphy’s book with a profile of Gary: Why Won’t You Listen to Me?
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Jamie Holmes’ book with a profile of Gary: Nonsense
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Connect with Gary on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gary-noesner-1a2480b
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Connect with Gary on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Stalling-for-Time/148979708465038
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Connect with Gary on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/garynoesner/?hl=en
About Gary Noesner:
Gary Noesner retired from the FBI in 2003 following a 30-year career as an investigator, instructor, and negotiator. A significant focus of his career was directed toward investigating Middle East hijackings in which American citizens were victimized. In addition, he was an FBI hostage negotiator for 23 years of his career, retiring as the Chief of the FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Unit, Critical Incident Response Group, the first person to hold that position. In that capacity, he was heavily involved in numerous crisis incidents covering prison riots, right-wing militia standoffs, religious zealot sieges, terrorist embassy takeovers, airplane hijackings, and over 120 overseas kidnapping cases involving American citizens.
He has written a book about his FBI negotiation career, which was published by Penguin Random House in 2010, entitled Stalling for Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator. The book is being used in part as the basis for a six-part mini-series on Waco that will air on the Paramount Network on January 24, 2018.
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