The Art of Manliness

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Masculinity as Confident Competence

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Dec 2, 2025

Guest

Elliot Ackerman

Elliot Ackerman, a decorated Marine and former CIA officer turned novelist, dives deep into the essence of masculinity and confident competence. He explores why many young men struggle today and emphasizes how intentional skills can reshape one's presence and purpose. From practical advice on wearing a watch to giving a heartfelt eulogy, Elliot highlights the importance of small, everyday skills. He also discusses the value of empathy gained from intelligence work and the role of discipline in writing, ultimately connecting competence to meaningful relationships and growth.

49:59

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INSIGHT

Competence Is Core To Masculinity

Competence plus intentionality shapes masculinity into confident competence.
Small daily skills and habits compound into purpose and increased agency.

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ADVICE

Start The Day With A Hard Win

Do one disciplined, meaningful task each morning to win momentum for the day.
Use small, daily victories to build confidence and tackle larger goals.

insights

INSIGHT

Culture Has Withdrawn From Teaching Young Men

Young men often lack intentional mentorship that teaches practical adult skills.
Cultural reluctance to address young straight men directly reduces their confidence and purpose.

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Elliot's military background and motivations

02:15 • 2min

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From Marine to CIA to novelist

04:32 • 1min

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War and character in Elliot's writing

05:57 • 3min

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Launching 'A Man Should Know' column

08:48 • 3min

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Competence, intentionality, and purpose

11:42 • 3min

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Why young men lack competence today

15:01 • 3min

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Military lessons on expectations and growth

18:03 • 5min

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Discipline and writing: transferable habits

23:07 • 1min

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Empathy from intelligence work

24:10 • 5min

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Competence and romantic attraction

28:41 • 4min

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Choosing and valuing a watch

32:32 • 4min

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Friendship as intentional practice

36:28 • 4min

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How to introduce yourself effectively

40:10 • 1min

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Giving a eulogy with audience in mind

41:36 • 2min

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Practical skills, travel, and improvisation

44:01 • 2min

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Build improvisation through practice

46:14 • 3min

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Daily challenges, joy, and growth

48:53 • 2min

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Keeping skills sharp and fathering intentionally

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There’s a lot of debate these days about what it means to be a man. But maybe the answer is simpler than we think, and a lot of masculinity just comes down to confident competence. A broad set of know-how. The ability to get stuff done. The capacity to move through the world with purpose and skill.

As someone who's lived several lives in one, Elliot Ackerman certainly embodies that ethos. He's a decorated Marine, a former CIA paramilitary officer, a National Book Award-nominated novelist, and now the writer of A Man Should Know, a column at The Free Press that explores the small but significant skills that shape a man’s life.

Today on the show, Elliot and I talk about why young men are struggling, how intention, discipline, and competence can change the way a man carries himself, and a few of the specific skills a man should know — from how to wear a watch to how to give a eulogy.

Resources Related to the Podcast

Elliot's novels
Elliot's "A Man Should Know:" columns:
How to Introduce Yourself
How to Be a Friend
How to Own a Watch
Fields of Fire by James Webb
The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien
The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
AoM Article: 100 Skills Every Man Should Know
AoM Skills Archives
AoM Podcast #307: Make Your Bed, Change the World
AoM Article: 10 Ways to Be a Better Husband Today
AoM Article: How to Choose a Watch
AoM Article: How to Give a Eulogy
AoM Article: A Eulogy for My Grandfather, William D. Hurst
The Poetics of Manhood: Contest and Identity in a Cretan Mountain Village by Michael Herzfeld
AoM Article: MacGyver Manhood and the Art of Masculine Improvisation
Free Press discount code: subscribe at thefp.com/manliness, and save 10% off your first year

Connect With Elliot Ackerman

Elliot on IG
Elliot on X

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