ADAM LANE SMITH | How Men and Women Cause Each Other Pain

43 snips

Aug 12, 2025

Adam Lane Smith, an attachment specialist and author, shares insights on understanding relationship dynamics between men and women. He discusses emotional starvation and how differing communication styles can create pain. Adam explores the roles of CEO and COO in partnerships, emphasizing the need for men to lead effectively. The conversation delves into emotional safety, signs of marital struggles, and the importance of validating each other’s feelings to strengthen bonds. With practical strategies, Adam offers a roadmap for nurturing lasting connections.

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ANECDOTE

Three Purposes That Drive Adam

Adam Lane Smith pursues three core purposes that propel his daily life and work.
They are a 200-year family legacy, fixing secure attachment in one billion people, and living to please God.

INSIGHT

Two Distinct Attachment Worlds

Adam describes society as split into two worlds: securely attached people and insecurely attached people who live by fear and emotion.
Each group needs different strategies rather than one-size-fits-all solutions.

INSIGHT

Safety Is The Relationship Baseline

Adam frames emotional safety as a prerequisite for deep relationships using Maslow's hierarchy.
Without safety and belonging, anxious and avoidant attachments dominate behavior.

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Why can’t women just understand men? Why can’t men just understand women? The short answer is, “we’re not supposed to.” If we were, we wouldn’t really have any need for each other, would we? My guest today, Adam Lane Smith, has made it his life’s work to get closer to helping men understand women and help us understand our own natural tendencies in relationships.

Today, Adam and I talk about emotional starvation, the concept of CEO/COO between men and women, the ‘red flags’ that your marriage is struggling, what men and women do to cause each other pain, and how men can lead in their relationships much more effectively.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS

00:00 – Finding Purpose and Chasing It 00:59 – Building a 200-Year Family System 02:51 – Two Worlds: Secure vs Insecure Attachment 05:55 – Teaching People Safety vs Creating Secure Attachment 07:27 – Maslow’s Hierarchy and Emotional Safety 10:46 – Safety for Men as Peace 14:19 – Security Starts Outside the Relationship 17:38 – Rebuilding a Marriage After Decades 20:53 – Invalidation and Dismissal in Relationships 22:23 – Venting vs Bringing Concerns 27:18 – The Purpose of Female Feelings as Data 29:36 – Men and Women’s Brains Are Meant to Interlink 32:05 – The Ancient Fear of Not Being Believed 37:25 – Emotional Starvation in Relationships 40:38 – Signs She’s Thriving or Starving Emotionally 45:13 – Four Levels of Safety Women Need 48:24 – Level 1: Physical Safety 50:07 – Level 2: Resource Safety 52:00 – Choosing the Right Woman for Your Circle 55:08 – Defining Masculine and Feminine Roles 58:32 – How Men Decide and Women Refine 01:02:05 – Level 3: Emotional Safety 01:04:29 – Level 4: Bonding Safety

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