We are continuing our summer series called Partnership Building, where we discuss how sexual health is relational health, and relational health is sexual health.

We’re talking about seven principles of healthy relationships, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman.

Last week, Luke and Lauren from the amazing podcast Filled to Flourish talked with us about the ways that Purity Culture encourage turning toward God, and as a result, away from oneself and one’s partner.

This week, they discuss the ways that they learned to turn toward each other, and the ways that protected the relationship as larger systems began to turn against them. This is a really sad, difficult episode, but also a celebration of their relationship and a source of encouragement to others who may be actively experiencing something similar.

We discuss:

Unconditional Positive Regard (9:00): Lauren describes, “Gottman uses this idea of unconditional positive regard. We saw each other in the best light and we knew we were doing the best we could amidst all the dysfunction unhealed trauma we were still swimming in. We had this regard for one another, and that helped us to weave this beautiful tapestry versus imploding.”
Messy Work (17:00): Jeremiah sets realistic expectations around the work of deconstruction and relational healing: “Problems tend to begin three to four years before the beginning of couples therapy Shifting and development of new interaction patterns takes a lot of time. This isn't just something that happens overnight. You walk out of the church. You leave the church, whew, thank god that's over. And then I can live and skip into a new life. There's a lot of work that happens after that and it sounds like y'all did a lot of coming back to each other, getting messy, coming back to each other, getting messy, coming back to each other. I think that that's really important to name that that's a realistic part of the process.”
Turning Toward Each Other (25:00 - 29:00): There are a few horror stories throughout the episode, including the involvement of a missionary organization criticizing Luke and Lauren for not enacting traditional gender roles. Luke summarizes, “Where I think the starting of us turning towards each other and not feeling safe and saying like, babe, I'm safe with you, but I'm not sure we're safe here.” He notes that this rejection led them to turn towards each other because the Church labeled their relationship as “bad,” and when they both knew that was not the reality, they chose to be with each other and on each other sides, instead of playing the blame game.
White Saviorism (35:00): We have a side conversation about transracial adoption—Jeremiah is a transracial adoptee, and Luke and Lauren have adopted children of color. The elections of 2016 and 2020 enabled Lauren and Luke to speak out against racism and sexism, which the Church did not like. Lauren explains, “So it wasn't so much I started questioning gender roles. But what happened was my outspokenness prior to this was more of a value to a lot of folks, family included, because it was their agenda and their narrative. So I think this is the very confusing thing about outspoken women in the church.” Luke and Lauren chose to turn towards each other because the Church and their families did not agree with their ideas.
There is no Hate like Christian Love (40:00): Luke describes, “I was healing and so I started getting more of a voice and speaking out and having more conversations and being more educated. And every person that we had a conversation, invited a conversation. It became hostile, angry, and abusive. We got stuck in America for Covid. So 2020, we were in America and we ended up losing 25% of our support because we were speaking against racism and our church told us to stop talking about it or they were gonna stop supporting us 'cause we were missionaries and we represented them and they didn't agree with us. […] We didn't feel welcomed at the church anymore.” This encapsulates the Church perfectly: We love you until you don’t agree with us. Lauren expands, “We were no longer the tool that we once were. And as soon as you're not a tool in a system of power that only uses people, you are invaluable to them. Your inherent dignity and worth as a human is not a consideration. It's irrelevant and everyone thinks that they are exempt from that.” When the Church deems you not useful you no longer have a community or support or anything. They push people out who have their own thoughts and ideas.

Again, a huge thanks to Luke and Lauren for their vulnerability and wisdom. Please check out their business, Flourish Therapy.

Let’s heal together!

Zwischen zwei Systemen: Samuel Finzi über seine Jugend in Bulgarien