Michael Slepian, an expert on the psychology of secrets, discusses how secrets affect relationships and well-being. He shares a personal story of discovering a family secret and explores different categories of secrets. The podcast also covers topics like personality, morality, trauma, developmental psychology, and communication.
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Quick takeaways
Secrets can have three dimensions: morality, relationality, and goal-orientation, which can help individuals understand and navigate their effects.
Positive secrets, such as surprise parties, promotions, or hobbies, can bring joy and a sense of control, but may be kept private due to fear of judgment or misunderstanding.
Harmful secrets may arise in adolescence when teenagers withhold worries or struggles, and parents should respond compassionately to foster trust and support.
Deep dives
The Psychology of Secrets: Insights into the Burdens and Benefits
In this podcast episode, Michael Sleppian, a leading expert on the psychology of secrets, discusses the impact of secrets on our relationships and well-being. He explores the three dimensions of secrets: morality, relationality, and goal-orientation. Sleppian shares that secrets can be harmful, but also acknowledges that there are positive secrets, such as surprise parties and personal hobbies. He discusses the importance of finding the right person to share secrets with and highlights the benefits of revealing secrets, whether it's through conversations with trusted individuals or platforms like PostSecret. Sleppian also delves into the development of secrecy in childhood and offers advice for parents on cultivating healthy relationships that encourage open communication and trust. Overall, this podcast episode sheds light on the complexity of secrets and the potential impact they have on our lives.
Tips for Dealing with Direct Questions about Secrets
Sleppian provides helpful tips for deflecting direct questions about secrets when you're not ready to reveal them. He suggests asking a question in response, as people tend to answer questions they're asked. This shifts the conversation away from the original question. Another approach is introducing a new topic to redirect the conversation. However, if someone persists in pressing for an answer, Sleppian advises appreciating their concern and explaining that you're not ready to discuss the secret at this moment, but may consider it later. By expressing gratitude and acknowledging their care, it fosters understanding and maintains a positive relationship while respecting your own boundaries.
Understanding the Dimensions of Secrets
Sleppian highlights the three dimensions of secrets: morality, relationality, and goal-orientation. Secrets can vary in terms of their morality, with some being seen as more wrong or shameful than others. Relationality refers to whether secrets involve other people and our relationships with them, while goal-orientation relates to the extent to which secrets are linked to specific goals. Recognizing these dimensions can help individuals better understand the effects of their secrets and find healthier ways to navigate them. Sleppian emphasizes that secrets don't have to be burdensome, as there are always aspects of secrets that are positive, empowering, or controllable, providing opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
The Benefits of Revealing Positive Secrets
In this episode, Sleppian discusses the positive aspects of secrets, such as surprise parties, promotions, or hobbies. Positive secrets can bring excitement, joy, and a sense of control. While revealing positive secrets can be fulfilling, Sleppian also acknowledges that some positive secrets, like personal hobbies or recreational activities, may be kept private due to fear of judgment or misunderstanding. There is value in appreciating the independence and autonomy that comes from keeping positive secrets. The discussion highlights the complex nature of secrets and the importance of individual discretion in determining when and how to reveal them.
Childhood Development and Secrets
Sleppian explores how secrecy develops in childhood, particularly during adolescence. While privacy is a natural part of adolescent development, harmful secrets may arise when teenagers withhold worries, struggles, or shameful experiences. Sleppian advises parents to respond compassionately to their children's revelations, creating an environment of trust and support. Modeling effective coping skills and seeking professional guidance can also help teenagers navigate secrets in healthy ways. By understanding the nuances of secret-keeping during childhood, parents can foster open communication and emotional well-being in their children.
Today we welcome Michael Slepian to the podcast. Michael is the Sanford C. Bernstein & Co. Associate Professor of Leadership and Ethics at Columbia University. A recipient of the Rising Star Award from the Association for Psychological Science, he is the leading expert on the psychology of secrets. He’s authored more than fifty articles on secrecy, truth, and deception. Michael’s research has been covered by The New York Times, The Atlantic, NPR, BBC, The Wall Street Journal and more. He is the author of The Secret Life of Secrets.
In this episode, I talk to Michael Slepian about the psychology of secrets. Everyone has secrets that they keep from others—how does this affect our relationships and well-being? According to Michael, maintaining privacy is not the most burdensome aspect. Carrying a secret all by ourselves is what weighs us down. Michael and I explore the different categories of secrets and we talk about when to reveal the deepest parts of ourselves and who to reveal them to. We also touch on the topics of personality, morality, trauma, developmental psychology and communication.