Why Your Partner's Sexual Past Is Haunting Your Present

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Sep 19, 2025

This episode dives deep into the impact of partners' sexual pasts on current relationships. A caller grapples with intrusive thoughts, while another explores how daydreams might lead to premature ejaculation. The conversation shifts to practical tips for finding a third partner for threesomes, stressing the importance of setting boundaries. Moreover, the discussion normalizes the use of toys for orgasms and tackles emotional obstacles in intimacy, offering strategies to enhance solo pleasure during tough times.

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INSIGHT

Modern Sexual Norms Shift With Age

Generational shifts mean more people, especially women, explore sex and partners later in life.
Emily frames this as learning one's body and normalizing greater sexual experience.

ADVICE

Set Boundaries Around Past Stories

Tell your partner that hearing detailed past sexual stories upsets you and ask them to limit those disclosures.
Replace intrusive thoughts with positive memories and a phone note list of what you love about them.

ADVICE

Replace Intrusive Thoughts Proactively

Practice cognitive replacement when intrusive thoughts arise by focusing on positive images and future plans.
Keep a list of cherished moments in your phone to quickly shift your attention.

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Episode Description

In this Sex with Emily hotline episode, Dr. Emily answers honest questions about sex, relationships, and pleasure. Ben struggles with intrusive thoughts about his girlfriend's sexual past—how do generational differences in sexual norms play a role, and what can he do when his mind won't stop wandering?

A caller whose day-long fantasies about his wife cause premature ejaculation wonders if this is actually a problem. Emily explores when mental foreplay becomes too much of a good thing and how to approach these conversations with your partner.

For finding thirds for threesomes, what's the safest way to meet like-minded people? Emily discusses the essential conversations couples need to have before inviting someone into their bedroom.

Nathan worries his girlfriend only orgasms with toys despite her past relationships not requiring them. Is this about his performance, her anatomy, or something deeper about emotional connection and letting go?

Finally, how do you rebuild your relationship with your own sexuality after a major life change? Emily helps a caller navigate solo pleasure during divorce when motivation is low and old fantasies no longer serve.

Throughout, Emily reinforces that sexual satisfaction looks different for everyone.

Timestamps:

0:00 - Introduction

1:29 - Dealing with Partner's Sexual Past

5:42 - How to Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive Relationship Focus

11:45 - Premature Ejaculation from All-Day Mental Arousal

17:07 - Starting Sexting in Long-Term Relationships

20:04 - Finding a Third for Threesomes

29:52 - The Field Effect

34:13 - When Emotional Connection Changes Physical Response

40:13 - Prioritizing Solo Pleasure During Divorce and Life Transitions

46:44 - Closing Thoughts and Resources