My Mormon Mission Gave me PTSD - Rian Anderson | Ep. 1922
Jul 29, 2024
auto_awesome
Rian Anderson, a former missionary with a tumultuous journey through the Church, shares her experiences of mental anguish and PTSD after her mission. She recounts expectations of love and service met with oppression and isolation during COVID-19. Rian discusses the tension between family loyalty and church demands, especially as her family lost faith. She highlights the emotional strain caused by strict rules and the journey to reclaim her identity, ultimately discovering that true family love was what she had all along.
Rian Anderson's mission experience was marked by strict expectations and rules that conflicted with her personal values and integrity.
The COVID-19 pandemic amplified feelings of isolation among missionaries, impacting their mental health and ability to connect meaningfully with others.
An unexpected family faith crisis added emotional turmoil for Rian, complicating her relationship with both her family and the church.
Rian's mission leaders exhibited a lack of empathy for mental health struggles, often responding with blame instead of support, worsening her distress.
Through her journey of self-discovery after leaving the church, Rian learned to embrace new interests and find autonomy beyond her religious upbringing.
Deep dives
Serving a Mission During COVID
Serving a mission during the COVID-19 pandemic presented unique challenges, particularly around health and safety. Many missionaries were confined to their living quarters for extended periods, relying on phone calls and online lessons to connect with potential converts. Despite the restrictions, some missionaries found ways to adapt, utilizing technology to teach and connect with people. These adaptations led to both feelings of isolation and anxiety as missionaries struggled to make meaningful connections.
The Impact of Family Background
Ryan Anderson grew up in a devout Mormon family, deeply entrenched in the church's culture and teachings. He was the first in his extended family to serve a mission, which added pressure to exemplify faithfulness in his calling. His upbringing shaped his understanding of unconditional love, yet it created a conflicting expectation to earn that love through adherence to church standards. This duality fostered a perfectionist mentality, leading to struggles with self-worth tied to religious performance.
The Challenge of Emotions and Expectations
Navigating emotions as a young missionary was particularly difficult, especially as Ryan faced loneliness and isolation while adhering to strict church standards. Expectations to conform and succeed within the church often resulted in feelings of inadequacy and fear of being 'less than' his peers. Tension arose from balancing personal desires against what was perceived as righteous behavior. This internal conflict led to significant struggles with mental health, including anxiety and depression.
Informed Consent and Missionary Experience
Ryan emphasized the lack of informed consent in the decision to serve a mission, citing inadequate preparation for the realities of missionary life. He felt unprepared for the emotional toll, the internal conflicts, and revelations about church history that would arise during his service. By sharing his story, he aims to provide insight for potential missionaries, encouraging them to seek out the truth before making a significant life decision. His experience highlights the importance of transparency surrounding the church's beliefs and practices.
Coping with Family Faith Crisis
Ryan's struggle intensified further when he learned that his family was experiencing a faith crisis. Initially, he was shocked and overwhelmed by the news, feeling a profound sense of loss and abandonment. The realization that his family members were distancing themselves from the church added weight to Ryan's own doubts about the faith. This experience deepened his emotional turmoil as he grappled with the impact of the church's teachings on his closest relationships.
The Influence of Mission Leadership
The relationship with Ryan's mission president proved to be challenging, particularly after expressing his mental health struggles. His president's responses often included shame and blame, suggesting that Ryan's feelings were rooted in pride. This dynamic fostered a sense of distrust, leading Ryan to suppress his emotions further and cling more tightly to the beliefs of the church. The pressure to conform and endure in a situation that felt increasingly harmful became a defining aspect of his mission experience.
Trauma in the Mission
Ryan's mission experience was marred by a series of traumatic events, including feeling unsafe in living conditions and witnessing unhealthy dynamics within the mission community. Instances of misconduct and mental health crises among fellow missionaries highlighted the high-pressure environment that could lead to significant emotional distress. Despite the mental health services available, Ryan often felt unsupported and disregarded by leadership. This lack of adequate care contributed to the developing trauma that Ryan would carry with him after his mission.
Reflections on Faith and Identity
After returning home, Ryan underwent a significant process of reevaluating his identity separate from the church. He grappled with the idea that he had been conditioned to define himself solely through his faith, and found it challenging to rediscover his own passions and beliefs. This journey required exploring new interests and stepping away from the confines of previous expectations. Ryan's reflections ultimately led him to embrace a life grounded in self-discovery, away from the rigid structures of the church.
Navigating Relationships Post-Mission
Ryan's relationship with his parents became strained after returning home—their departure from Mormonism created a chasm in understanding. This led to feelings of confusion and hurt as he tried to reconcile the love he held for them with their decision to leave a faith he had devoted so much of himself to. Each family dynamic shifted, as Ryan felt the weight of expectations to maintain his own faith, all while witnessing his family's struggles. This complicated emotional landscape was difficult for Ryan to navigate, especially as he sought to rebuild trust and connection.
Embracing Life Beyond the Church
In time, Ryan began to embrace life beyond the confines of Mormonism, allowing himself to explore without guilt or shame. This included learning to enjoy activities and relationships without the pressure to fulfill a religious narrative. Diving into new experiences, like scuba diving and reconnecting with art, opened pathways for self-acceptance and healing. While the journey was fraught with challenges, Ryan emerged with a sense of autonomy, feeling hopeful for a future defined on his terms.
As the first to be “born in the covenant” to convert parents, Rian Anderson's world revolved around the Church, until her mission became a crucible of mental anguish and familial tension. Expecting her experience to be one based on love and service, Rian was instead met with strict rules, surveillance, and spiritual turmoil as she continually felt forced to act against her own conscience & integrity. Through it all, Rian found support through weekly calls with her family, which she cherished. That is, until her family’s mounting concern for Rian’s welfare coincided with their loss of faith in the church.
The oppressive atmosphere coupled with isolation due to the initial rise of COVID began to take its toll on her mental and physical health, neither of which were adequately addressed. Amid despair over her family's disaffection from Church, Rian experienced a burst ovarian cyst, an incredibly painful condition that can have severe complications. Instead of being advised to go to the hospital, she was made to wait it out instead, and as she began to battle depression and suicidal thoughts, her mission leaders' response was shocking: accusations of pride and instructions to cut ties with her doubting family.
Certain that their concern for Rian’s spiritual well-being was superior to the love her “fallen” family had to offer back home, her Mission President and his wife insert themselves as surrogate parents for the remainder of her mission and beyond. Despite this initial interference, Rian finds herself facing her own faith crisis. As she considers what the actions of her “mission parents” truly cost her, Rian discovers for herself the real meaning of family, and her family had it all along.
