Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families #1257 - Connecting When You're Always Correcting
May 26, 2025
12:15
What do you do when every interaction with your child feels like a battle? Today we respond to a mum’s heartfelt question about her 11-year-old daughter, who is struggling with screaming, lying, and constant conflict. We explore the psychological needs behind difficult behaviour and share practical, compassionate strategies for rebuilding connection—especially when all you feel like doing is correcting.
KEY POINTS
- Challenging Behaviour Is Communication: Kids act out when their basic needs—connection, autonomy, and competence—aren’t being met.
- The Correction Trap: When every interaction becomes about control or discipline, children feel unseen, unheard, and undervalued.
- Slow Down to Reconnect: Rebuilding the relationship requires presence, patience, and sometimes stepping completely away from “the agenda.”
- Parental Self-Awareness Matters: Many parents unintentionally undermine connection through well-meaning but misdirected responses.
- Lifestyle Matters: Sleep, nutrition, movement, screen time, and social connection all have huge impacts on emotional and behavioural wellbeing.
- The Psychological Load of Puberty: Eleven is a big age—especially for girls. Body changes, identity confusion, and peer pressures amplify emotional volatility.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“If you want to speed it up, you’ve got to slow it down. If you want control, you’ve got to give them voice.”
— Dr Justin Coulson
RESOURCES MENTIONED
- Book: Misconnection: Why Your Teenage Daughter Hates You, Expects the World & Needs to Talk by Dr Justin Coulson
- Podcast Reference: Pop Culture Parenting by Billy Garvey
- Research Mentioned: Sapiens Lab study on early device use and mental health
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Pause the Correction Cycle: Focus less on behaviour and more on what your child might be trying to communicate.
- Rebuild Connection: Prioritise quality time—go for a bike ride, hit the beach, or just be together with no agenda.
- Validate & Listen: Show your child you see and hear them, even if you don’t agree with their behaviour.
- Assess Lifestyle Factors: Review sleep, nutrition, screen time, physical activity, and relationships.
- Reflect on Your Responses: Ask yourself—are your well-intentioned actions unintentionally adding fuel to the fire?
- Give Her Voice: Offer choices, listen to her preferences, and include her in problem-solving.
- Get Support if Needed: If mental health concerns persist, seek help from professionals.
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