ERP 273: How To Handle The Concern Of Vulnerability Not Working In Relationship

Vulnerability is a key aspect in connecting with your partner. It makes you feel seen and provides a sense of belonging. However, the longing to feel known and the fear of letting down our guard are two competing human needs that must be understood with compassion. 

In many cases, our own protective strategies helped us survive trauma and pain in the past. However, many years later, these same strategies prevent us from becoming seen, validated, and known. Today's episode discusses some of the most common protective strategies and what you can do to turn it around and increase intimacy in relationship. 

Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

In this episode: 

05:25 Vulnerability cultivates connection. Disconnect happens when there is a block between the call of one partner and the response of the other.

10:02 Being vulnerable is difficult. The desire for intimacy is there but an inner conflict based on fear holds us back from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. 

14:42 Having a safe container for vulnerability is paramount. This is rooted in biology via the polyvagal system which requires us to have reciprocal and safe interactions with our closest connections. 

18:42 The most successful couples respond to each other’s "bids" or calls and responses. This allows couples to feel validated and seen.

22:14 Unsuccessful attempts at vulnerability are caused by "blocks" or personal protective strategies. It has been proven that humans choose safety and familiarity over intimacy and vulnerability during critical moments.

29:15 The desire to be known and to protect against hurt are two competing human needs. Being in a threatened state makes it impossible to access vulnerability and have constructive conversations.

31:13 Examples of protective tendencies that get in the way vulnerability include people-pleasing, intellectualizing/explaining/defending, numbing out, getting angry/reacting, hiding, being resistant, denial, being stressed/tired, and independent stance.

38:02 Tips to cultivate vulnerability and increase intimacy in your relationship.

Mentioned

• ERP 233: How to Deal with Fears of Intimacy – Part One
• ERP 234: How to Deal with Fears of Intimacy – Part Two
• ERP 247: How to Turn Towards Your Partner to Strengthen Your Love
• ERP 261: How to Strengthen Your Relationship from a Polyvagal Perspective – an Interview with Dr. Stephen Porges
• ERP 220: How to Reconnect Emotionally with your Significant Other

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