ERP 158: How to Resolve Resentment in Your Relationship

In the last two episodes, I explored the drama triangle. In episode 156, I discussed what the drama triangle is and how is shows up in our interactions with others, especially during conflict.

In episode 157, I explained how we can easily get wrapped up in the victim position and how this can negatively affect our experience in relationship…and more importantly a critical key in how to shift out of the victim position and into the creator position.

Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.

WHAT IS A RESENTMENT?

A resentment is a grudge or a negative feeling that we might be harboring about a past experience. Often, we will feel resentment when someone did or said something that we did not like or we have issue with. Or a resentment is something that we have not made peace with or do not know how to reconcile.

As I mentioned in my previous podcast episodes about forgiveness, it is not about condoning bad behavior or liking a horrible act. It is about coming to terms with the fact that you cannot change or control what happened.

In the series about dealing with pain, pain is a natural part of life. It is a fallacy to think that we are going to go through life without experiencing hardship, loss, and upset. Trying to avoid, resist, or fight against pain only creates more suffering.

As discussed in episode 157, when someone feels overwhelmed by painful external circumstances, it is common to feel disempowered and to feel victimized.

While we cannot change the fact that crappy things might happen to us or have happened to us, we can change how we deal with them.

When a painful event occurs, it is important to give attention to the hurt and injury. However, after a period of time, we are faced with how do we incorporate this experience into our lives.

When we do not accept or come to terms with a painful experience, we do not move forward. It is very difficult to feel open and alive when we are harboring resentments.

"Forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing. Forgiveness indeed heals memories." by Henri Nouwen

HOW TO RESOLVE RESENTMENTS

1. Name it. Acknowledge the resentment.

2. Specify it. Lost dream. Unfulfilled expectation. Old wound (from childhood).

3. Try out David Emeralds exercise. From the The Power of TED

Look at how the challenge in your life has taught you something. List 7 people, circumstances, or conditions that have been difficult for you (persecutors) and look for the ways they have been a gift to you or a teacher for you.

Questions to ask:

• How have they challenged you to learn and grow?
• What is the lesson this person or situation is bringing into my life?
• How and what can I learn from this?
• What is the gift hidden in this situation, no matter how difficult it appears?

4. Use the gift as curriculum for your development.

• What is the piece of value that you learn from the exercise above? And how can you start practicing this in your life and relationships?

MENTIONED:

• ERP 157: How to Shift Out of The Victim Position (podcast)
• ERP 156: What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
• ERP 015: Do You Have A "Unity" Or "Journey" Mindset In Relationship? (podcast)
• ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast)
• POWER OF TED* (*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book)
• Photo by Jaelynn Castillo on Unsplash

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

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Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection.

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