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How to show up in any room with a low heart rate: Silicon Valley’s missing etiquette playbook | Sam Lessin

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Jan 15, 2026

Guest

Sam Lessin

Sam Lessin, a partner at Slow Ventures and former VP of Product at Facebook, shares his insights on modern etiquette for founders. He emphasizes the importance of showing up calmly to build trust in a tech-driven world. Sam offers practical tips for successful introductions, mastering small talk, and dining etiquette. He advocates for thoughtful communication, appropriate attire, and generous tipping. With a focus on connection over transactions, he unlocks the secrets to navigating any room with confidence and grace.

01:26:35

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Episode notes

00:00 / 00:00

Etiquette Reduces Social Heart Rate

Etiquette is a skill for showing up in a room with a low heart rate and building trust.
Sam Lessin argues that as tech becomes central, social signaling matters as much as product quality.

00:00 / 00:00

Arrive Early And Confirm Names

Be early to meetings to lower your heart rate and take a beat before entering.
Use a firm handshake and repeat names back to help people feel seen.

00:00 / 00:00

Don’t Punish Minor Tardiness

If someone else is late, don't shame them; apologize if you are late and move on.
Preserve the meeting's momentum instead of creating a punishing dynamic over small latenesses.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Why Sam teaches modern etiquette

04:23 • 5min

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Etiquette as 'low heart rate' skill

09:32 • 42sec

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Introductions: timing, handshake, names

10:13 • 6min

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Conversation mechanics and questions

16:24 • 8min

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Hygiene: scent and presentation

23:56 • 5min

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Dress: fit over brand

29:02 • 5min

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Dining basics and who pays

33:43 • 3min

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Tipping etiquette and generosity

37:10 • 4min

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Dining mechanics: B&D, napkin, utensils

41:10 • 2min

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Small talk, humor, and storytelling

43:10 • 6min

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Scheduling and Calendly norms

49:27 • 6min

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Communication: email clarity and emoji use

55:31 • 7min

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Meeting etiquette and virtual calls

01:02:30 • 4min

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Exiting, follow-ups, and gratitude

01:06:03 • 1min

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TL;DR etiquette principles

01:07:31 • 2min

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AI use and lettermeme example

01:09:21 • 2min

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Contrarian: risks in AI startup investing

01:11:17 • 5min

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Lightning round and recommendations

Modern Etiquette in Technology, Finance, Society, and at Home

A Slow Ventures Handbook

Sam Lessin

Jack Raines

This Slow Ventures handbook by Sam Lessin and Jack Raines provides guidance on understanding and practicing proper etiquette to build trust, reduce stress, and achieve success in business. The book addresses etiquette across multiple domains including technology, finance, society, and home life.

#1904

• Mentioned in 20 episodes

The ancient city

Fustel de Coulanges

This book provides a detailed analysis of the ancient city, emphasizing the central role of religion in the formation and governance of ancient Greek and Roman societies. Fustel de Coulanges argues that the domestic religion, centered on ancestor worship, was the foundation of all civic life, influencing family structures, property laws, and the development of city-states. The book chronicles the evolution of these societies, including the impact of social revolutions and the eventual rise of Christianity, which marked a significant shift in the social and political order of the ancient world.

• Mentioned in 603 episodes

Man's Search for Meaning

Viktor Frankl

The book is divided into two parts. The first part recounts Frankl's harrowing experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps, including Auschwitz, between 1942 and 1945. He describes the inhumane conditions and the psychological and emotional struggles of the prisoners. The second part introduces Frankl's theory of logotherapy, which posits that the primary human drive is the search for meaning, rather than pleasure. Frankl argues that meaning can be found through three main avenues: work (doing something significant), love (caring for another), and suffering (finding meaning in one's own suffering). The book emphasizes the importance of finding purpose and meaning in life, even in the most adverse conditions, as a key factor in survival and personal growth.

#9636

• Mentioned in 5 episodes

Life, the Universe and Everything

Douglas Adams

In 'Life, the Universe and Everything', Arthur Dent and his companions find themselves on a series of bizarre adventures through time and space. The story involves their attempts to find the Ultimate Question to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe, and Everything, and their encounters with various eccentric characters, including an immortal alien intent on insulting every living creature in the universe. The book is known for its witty humor and creative plot twists, bringing closure to some of the unanswered questions from the earlier novels in the series.

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• Mentioned in 46 episodes

The fish that ate the whale

The Life and Times of America's Banana King

Rich Cohen

This book tells the fascinating story of Samuel Zemurray, who started as a roadside banana peddler and eventually built a sprawling empire involving banana cowboys, mercenary soldiers, Honduran peasants, CIA agents, and American statesmen. Rich Cohen's narrative explores Zemurray's rise to power, his involvement in overthrowing Central American governments, and his complex role in American history. The book delves into Zemurray's personal life, his business exploits, and the moral implications of his actions, painting a nuanced portrait of a man driven by an indomitable will to succeed.

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• Mentioned in 2 episodes

The Last Kings of Shanghai

The Rival Jewish Dynasties That Helped Create Modern China

Jonathan Kaufman

The book tells the remarkable history of how these two Sephardic Jewish families from Baghdad established themselves in British India and later became key players in the China trade. They profited from the Opium Wars, survived Japanese occupation, and interacted with Chiang Kai-shek, but ultimately faced significant losses as the Communists took power. Kaufman's narrative spans from Baghdad to Hong Kong to Shanghai to London, detailing opium smuggling, family rivalry, political intrigue, and survival, while also highlighting the deep inequalities and political turmoil in China during this period.

#1784

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Area 51

An Uncensored History of America's Top Secret Military Base

Annie Jacobsen

This book provides a comprehensive and gripping narrative of the activities at Area 51, based on interviews with eyewitnesses and formerly classified information. It covers the base's history from its creation at the end of World War II to modern-day operations, including nuclear testing, the development of secret aircraft, and the involvement of various government agencies. Jacobsen's research uncovers the intricate and often secretive operations of the base, making it a seminal work on the subject.

#502

• Mentioned in 54 episodes

The Lessons of History

Will Durant

Written by Will and Ariel Durant after completing the 10th volume of their 'The Story of Civilization' series, 'The Lessons of History' provides an overview of the themes and lessons observed from human history. The book examines history from various perspectives including geography, biology, race, character, morals, religion, economics, socialism, government, war, growth and decay, and progress. The Durants discuss the recurring themes of history, such as the balance between liberty and equality, the role of economics, and the inevitability of human nature's influence on historical events. They argue that while there are no predictable regularities in the course of civilizations, there are common factors that contribute to their growth and decline.

Sam Lessin is a partner at Slow Ventures, a former VP of Product at Facebook, and a two-time founder who’s now teaching etiquette to Silicon Valley’s founders. In this unconventional episode, Sam explains why proper etiquette has become a vital skill for founders in 2026—especially as technology becomes more central to society and trust becomes harder to build. His etiquette book and courses have become surprisingly popular, teaching founders how to “show up in a room with a low heart rate” and quickly build trust.

We discuss:

1. Why etiquette matters

2. Sam’s framework for showing up confidently, with a low heart rate, in any room

3. How to navigate introductions, small talk, meetings, and meals like a pro

4. Simple hacks for remembering names and handling awkward social situations

5. 30+ specific etiquette tips

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Brought to you by:

10Web—Vibe-coding platform as an API

DX—The developer intelligence platform designed by leading researchers

WorkOS—Modern identity platform for B2B SaaS, free up to 1 million MAUs

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Episode transcript: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/silicon-valleys-missing-etiquette-playbook

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Archive of all Lenny's Podcast transcripts:

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/yxi4s2w998p1gvtpu4193/AMdNPR8AOw0lMklwtnC0TrQ?rlkey=j06x0nipoti519e0xgm23zsn9&st=ahz0fj11&dl=0

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Where to find Sam Lessin:

• X: https://x.com/lessin

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wlessin

• Website: https://www.wlessin.com

• Podcast: https://moreorlesspod.com

• Lettermeme: https://lettermeme.com/lessin

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Where to find Lenny:

• Newsletter: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com

• X: https://twitter.com/lennysan

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lennyrachitsky/

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In this episode, we cover:

(00:00) Sam’s background

(04:18) The role of etiquette in business success

(09:30) Introductions and entering a room

(16:20) Engaging conversations and building relationships

(23:55) Hygiene and dress code essentials

(33:42) Dining etiquette

(37:15) Tipping etiquette

(41:36) The “B&D trick”

(43:05) Humor in social settings

(45:18) Self-deprecating humor

(47:42) Winding down conversations

(49:20) Scheduling etiquette

(55:23) Communication and email etiquette

(01:02:28) Meeting etiquette tips

(01:04:03) Virtual meeting best practices

(01:05:15) The importance of cleaning up after yourself

(01:05:58) Exiting and follow-up etiquette

(01:07:24) Final thoughts

(01:09:20) AI corner

(01:11:13) Contrarian corner

(01:16:25) Lightning round

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Referenced:

• Y Combinator: https://www.ycombinator.com

• Kleiner Perkins: https://www.kleinerperkins.com

• “Lose Yourself” by Eminem on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/7MJQ9Nfxzh8LPZ9e9u68Fq

• Alison Gopnik on Childhood Learning, AI as a Cultural Technology, and Rethinking Nature vs. Nurture: https://conversationswithtyler.com/episodes/alison-gopnik

• Garry Tan on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/garrytan

• Bain & Company: https://www.bain.com

• Evernote: https://evernote.com

• Calendly: https://calendly.com

• Morning Brew: https://www.morningbrew.com

• Cursor: https://cursor.com

• The rise of Cursor: The $300M ARR AI tool that engineers can’t stop using | Michael Truell (co-founder and CEO): https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/the-rise-of-cursor-michael-truell

• DigitalOcean: https://www.digitalocean.com

• Cloudflare: https://www.cloudflare.com

• SpaceX: https://www.spacex.com

• Marc Andreessen on X: https://x.com/pmarca

• Landman on Prime Video: https://www.amazon.com/Landman-Season-1/dp/B0D4D8RTMD

• Dave Morin on X: https://x.com/davemorin

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Recommended books:

• Modern Etiquette in Technology, Finance, Society, and at Home: A Slow Ventures Handbook: https://www.amazon.com/Modern-Etiquette-Technology-Finance-Society-ebook/dp/B0G4HSKSY5

• Life, the Universe and Everything: https://www.amazon.com/Universe-Everything-Hitchhikers-Guide-Galaxy-ebook/dp/B001ODEQ7A

• The Ancient City: A Study on the Religion, Laws, and Institutions of Greece and Rome: https://www.amazon.com/Ancient-City-Religion-Institutions-Greece/dp/0801823048

• Man’s Search for Meaning: https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl-ebook/dp/B009U9S6FI

• Area 51: An Uncensored History of America’s Top Secret Military Base: https://www.amazon.com/Area-51-Uncensored-Americas-Military-ebook/dp/B004THU68Q

• The Lessons of History: https://www.amazon.com/Lessons-History-Will-Durant/dp/143914995X

• The Fish That Ate the Whale: The Life and Times of America’s Banana King: https://www.amazon.com/Fish-That-Ate-Whale-Americas/dp/1250033314

• The Last Kings of Shanghai: The Rival Jewish Dynasties That Helped Create Modern China: https://www.amazon.com/Last-Kings-Shanghai-Jewish-Dynasties/dp/0735224439

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Production and marketing by https://penname.co/. For inquiries about sponsoring the podcast, email podcast@lennyrachitsky.com.

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Lenny may be an investor in the companies discussed.

To hear more, visit www.lennysnewsletter.com

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