How to tame your advice monster | Michael Bungay Stanier
Feb 25, 2025
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Michael Bungay Stanier, a writer and teacher, discusses the pervasive issue of the 'advice monster' in our conversations. He explains how it prompts us to give premature suggestions, often missing the real problem. Instead of jumping to advice, he advocates for active listening and curiosity, revealing how this approach can empower others. He also delves into the three damaging personas of the advice monster: 'Tell it', 'Save it', and 'Control it', encouraging deeper inquiry through thoughtful questions.
Recognizing and managing the advice monster is vital to improving listening skills and fostering meaningful conversations.
Asking thoughtful questions instead of providing unsolicited advice can empower others to discover their own solutions and enhance personal growth.
Deep dives
The Impact of the Inner Advice Monster
Everyone has an inner voice referred to as the advice monster that encourages unsolicited advice, often leading to ineffective communication. This tendency to interrupt and offer solutions can hinder genuine connection and prevent deeper understanding of the issue at hand. Research even suggests that medical professionals tend to interrupt patients shortly after they begin discussing their concerns, highlighting the prevalence of this behavior in various contexts. Recognizing the advice monster's presence is crucial for improving listening skills and fostering more meaningful conversations.
Challenges of Giving Advice
Giving advice can often result in addressing the wrong problems, with people misunderstanding the core challenges due to a lack of context. Even when advice is well-intentioned, it can be misguided, as the advisor may overestimate the quality and relevance of their suggestions. Furthermore, constant reliance on advice can undermine the confidence and autonomy of those seeking help, leading to feelings of inadequacy. Understanding the potential negative impact of advice-giving is essential for developing healthier communication habits.
Taming the Advice Monster Through Curiosity
To manage the impulse to provide advice, individuals can cultivate curiosity by asking thoughtful questions that steer the conversation away from quick fixes. Questions such as 'What's the real challenge here for you?' help to uncover the underlying issues instead of rushing to conclusions. Adding prompts like 'And what else?' encourages deeper exploration and reveals multiple facets of a situation. By focusing on empowering others to find their own solutions, individuals can foster better dialogue, connection, and personal growth.
It lurks within, emerging in conversation to share ineffective, premature suggestions … it’s your advice monster, and we all have one, says writer and teacher Michael Bungay Stanier. He shares how giving advice can easily go astray, from solving the wrong problem to disempowering the very person you’re trying to help, and offers a simple question to help you stay curious, strengthen your relationships — and tame that monster.