493 - But What if I Want the Relationship Escalator?
Aug 20, 2024
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This discussion dives into the relationship escalator and how it affects non-monogamous dynamics. They explore the societal expectations around milestones like marriage and cohabitation while unpacking the emotional complexities involved. There's a focus on open communication, differing desires, and how past relationships shape current aspirations. Listeners learn about navigating these challenges and aligning their goals with partners, all while considering the evolving perspectives of modern relationships.
01:11:53
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Quick takeaways
The relationship escalator represents traditional milestones in romantic relationships, yet it often fails to accommodate diverse and non-monogamous dynamics.
Critiques of the escalator highlight the pressure it imposes on individuals to conform, leading to feelings of inadequacy for non-traditional relationship desires.
Communication is essential in addressing pace discrepancies between partners, fostering mutual understanding, and encouraging personal reflection on relationship goals.
Deep dives
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Understanding the Relationship Escalator
The relationship escalator refers to a socially normative model that outlines expected milestones in serious romantic relationships, which often include dating, exclusivity, cohabitation, and eventually having children. This model is scrutinized, particularly in non-monogamous contexts, as it does not cater to diverse relationship dynamics and can create pressure to conform to traditional progressions. The podcast discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of the escalator, emphasizing how it can lead to feelings of isolation for those who seek different milestones or do not fit neatly into the expected path. This exploration aims to help individuals assess their own desires and experiences concerning relationship progression.
Arguments Against the Relationship Escalator
Critiques of the relationship escalator highlight that not everyone desires the same milestones, and the linear nature of the escalator implies there’s no room for a change in direction or a different narrative in a relationship. For example, relationships can be unfairly deemed casual or meaningless if they aren't pursuing traditional milestones, leaving individuals feeling inadequate for wanting to maintain a different kind of connection. Moreover, the escalator's rigid framework often pressures couples into roles like cohabitors or caregivers, leading to complications that might otherwise be avoided. Finally, the significance placed on these milestones can overshadow other meaningful aspects of the relationship, which often leads to disappointment when the actual experience does not match the expectations set by the escalator.
Pace Discrepancy in Relationships
Pace discrepancy arises when one partner's desire for progression through relationship milestones does not align with the other partner's readiness or wishes. This discrepancy can stem from various factors, including cultural expectations, differing life stages, or past experiences. The podcast emphasizes the importance of communication in addressing these differences and striving for mutual understanding, suggesting that successful navigation of these discrepancies can lead to growth and deeper connections. Tools such as monthly check-ins can help partners discuss their expectations and desires in a way that fosters understanding rather than conflict.
Tools for Navigating Relationship Milestones
To effectively navigate desires regarding relationship milestones, individuals are encouraged to ask themselves various introspective questions to uncover the motivations behind their wants. This includes examining if their desires are influenced by societal norms or if they genuinely align with their personal values. Open communication with partners about these topics is crucial, as it allows for a deeper understanding of each other's needs and helps to identify potential compromises or alternative forms of commitment. Ultimately, the discussion focuses on embracing valid perspectives from both sides, ensuring that both partners feel heard and respected regardless of which path they wish to pursue.
Today, we're discussing the relationship escalator, which is often criticized in non-monogamous spaces. However, some non-monogamous folks may want the same milestones and journey that the relationship escalator provides, so today we're talking about what can happen if you're someone who wants to move up the escalator with a partner or partners. We'll be going over some pros and cons of the relationship escalator, some research about how quickly people tend to escalate in relationships, and how to navigate your journey if the relationship escalator is something you want in your life.
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Multiamory was created by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Matlack. Our theme music is Forms I Know I Did by Josh and Anand. Follow us on Instagram @Multiamory_Podcast and visit our website Multiamory.com.
