Esther Calling - Part of Me Wants to Cheat Part One
Jan 22, 2024
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A woman in a healthy relationship discusses her intrusive thoughts of cheating and explores if they are connected to past trauma. The podcast delves into the struggle of balancing love and revenge, the temptation to cheat, and moving on from past traumas. It also explores the presence of an 'evil voice' in relationships and the battle of intrusive thoughts.
45:03
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Quick takeaways
The speaker's intrusive thoughts about cheating on her partner may be connected to unresolved shame and trauma from a past sexual assault.
The speaker's partner's lack of curiosity about the speaker's past trauma and personal growth could be impacting their connection.
Deep dives
Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts in a Relationship
The speaker discusses her experience of constantly dealing with intrusive thoughts in her head while being in a stable and serious relationship. She acknowledges that these thoughts involve cheating on her partner and questions whether they will ever stop. She emphasizes that she has never acted on these thoughts, but they persistently resurface. The speaker wonders if she has to live with these thoughts throughout the duration of the relationship.
The Voice of Intrusive Thoughts
The speaker personifies the intrusive thoughts as an 'evil voice' in her head. This voice constantly urges her to cheat on her partner, telling her that she can get away with it and that he will never find out. She describes the voice as mischievous, speaking to her in a factual and convincing manner. The speaker struggles to understand the purpose of this voice and why it continues to persist in her thoughts.
The Connection to Past Trauma
The speaker reveals that she had a history of sexual assault during a five-year period when she was not in a relationship. She reflects on how this experience may have shaped her feelings of being an object, leading to the presence of the 'evil voice' in her current relationship. The speaker discusses the anger, revenge, and objectification associated with the voice, highlighting that it is not about wanting to hurt her partner but rather about reclaiming power and getting even.
The Lack of Curiosity and Communication
The speaker expresses her concern that her partner lacks curiosity about her past trauma and her personal growth. She mentions that he rarely asks questions about her life and experiences, which makes her doubt his interest in understanding her fully. The speaker admits that she has never discussed her intrusive thoughts or her trauma with her partner, assuming that it was unnecessary. However, she realizes that expressing her need for his curiosity could deepen their connection.
This episode contains discussions of a sexual trauma. Please take care listening. A woman in a healthy and loving relationship talks to Esther about the fantasies she has of cheating on her partner. Together they delve into whether these are truly adulterous thoughts or if this voice in her head is connected to the unresolved shame and trauma from an earlier sexual assault.
Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com.
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